SAN FRANCISCO – Recent reports have surfaced detailing a woman hated by doctors for reasons entirely unrelated to anti-aging secrets or defiance of traditional medical needs. Instead, this hatred seems to stem from one thing: physical violence.

“She punched me. I don’t know what else there is to say,” explained endocrinologist at UCSF, Harold Mann. “This kind of thing would have never happened when I did my residency at Harvard. I think it goes without saying that yeah, I do hate her as a result. I can’t think of anything I did to deserve it either,” Dr. Mann mused, looking at his patient records before getting up. “Sorry, you’ll have to excuse me now. A female patient has checked in with a complaint about ‘severe abdominal pain’ so I need to go tell her she’s totally fine and probably making that up. Hormones, am I right?” 

Dr. Mann moved to exit the room, then turned back just before the doorway to add a final statement.

“Here is what I’m going to say: physical violence is never the answer,” shared Mann. “Punching and blunt trauma in general can cause serious damage, even if you don’t think it will. We learned that practically on Day One at Harvard. I didn’t catch her face, but I hope the woman who punched me feels sorry for what she did.”

Another victim of this mysterious woman’s punches, Jared Bentson, M.D., also shared a comment.

“She can really throw a punch. Seriously, that hurt. Now I have mild facial contusions and my cheek is going to feel a little tender. Thanks a lot. A punch to the face was not what I needed after a long day doing a coronary bypass surgery,” he said, shaking his head. “What’s that? Yes, the patient was a female, why do you ask? Did I prescribe her any painkillers for the procedure?” He laughed. “No.”

With more to say was – again – Dr. Mann, who walked back into the room shortly thereafter with further thoughts to share.

“I can’t stop thinking about it,” he announced as he barged back in. “Why did she punch me? How did I provoke her? I was trained at Harvard, I’d like to think she’d realize I know what I’m doing. They teach us well over there in Cambridge,” he said wistfully, quickly turning somber again. “Look. I just try to help my patients. It’s my job. And when they exaggerate their pain or say stuff like, ‘I think this requires more serious attention than just Advil,’ and ‘the anesthesia is wearing off,’ what do you want me to do? Believe them?” 

At press time, it was noted that yes, everyone is very aware Dr. Mann was a resident at Harvard and no, nobody cares at all.

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