As the semester comes to a close, the official UC Berkeley seal outside Moffitt has sadly reported it received no physical contact this past year and that students were actively avoiding it. Though ideally seeking a hug, the seal has stated that even being stepped on by a fresh Reebok would be a pleasurable alternative.
Maturity? I Framed One of My Posters
“It’s like watching my son go through puberty in one night – from little league straight to whacking home-runs on more steroids than contained in an asthmatic inhaler,” stuttered my hornswoggled housemate, Dylan Hamuy. “I mean you should have seen the state of the room before this; it was a tasteful, subdued mix of stolen traffic signs and FedEx-printed low-res jpegs pasted to the walls, with some under-exposed polaroids peppered in for flavor. But now? We’re looking at the big leagues. That’s right, frames have hit the room!”
Skip the Wait: Durant Taco Bell Introduces Ticketmaster Order Presales
“You just pick an order you might want weeks ahead and confirm your presale on Ticketmaster. There’s a 15% chance your order gets placed, and Ticketmaster only takes a portion worth double the meal price. It’s a steal, really.”
Local Nice Guy Still Single After Sending Ten Girls a ‘Good Morning’ Group Text
“I lift seven days a week, hold the door open for people, and call women ‘women’ and not ‘females.'”
Gym Bro Now Switching to Food-Based Diet
BERKELEY, Calif. — After cycling through a series of diets composed of raw meat, protein powder, and crayons, fitness enthusiast and influencer Ben Husslin has …
New Forbes ‘30 Under 30’ Just List of Landlords
“Personally, I bought my duplex using a loan whose interest and principal my tenants are paying off through their $3500/month [soon to be $4000/month] rent. This way, I can pay off all my debts and make a hefty 30% profit while contributing absolutely nothing to society.”
Lucky! Philosophy Major’s Oversized Turtleneck Muffles the Annoying Ass Sound of His Voice
“Speaking here in corollary with the strict criteria theory at play rather than in juxtaposition to the dynamic existential argument, I consider your intrinsically hyperlexical perspective thought experiment to be nuanced, reflexive, and sound. In other words, based.”
Berkeley Student Unable to Enroll in Happiness Until Phase 2
BERKELEY, Calif. – Berkeley senior Cameron Hall found himself in a predicament faced by many when he was unable to enroll in basic human happiness …
Self-Care Hack! Don’t Eat or Sleep or Rest At All Until Your Body Completely Shuts Down
According to the mother of the “sick self-care” movement, student influencer Alyssa Lin, the hack only has one simple step: “Just focus on the other things in life, and your body will manifest its own health,” said Alyssa. “Inner body saunas will raise your temperature to a nice factory reset level, and that’s when your body will take over and make the manual rest.”
UC Regents Hire Michael Drake’s New Stepbrother, Michael Josh
SAN DIEGO – UC Regents assembled at UCSD on Monday, prepared to deliver paradigm-shattering news to current UC faculty. Without hesitation, Regent Chair Rich Leib …