Maturity? I Framed One of My Posters

“It’s like watching my son go through puberty in one night – from little league straight to whacking home-runs on more steroids than contained in an asthmatic inhaler,” stuttered my hornswoggled housemate, Dylan Hamuy. “I mean you should have seen the state of the room before this; it was a tasteful, subdued mix of stolen traffic signs and FedEx-printed low-res jpegs pasted to the walls, with some under-exposed polaroids peppered in for flavor. But now? We’re looking at the big leagues. That’s right, frames have hit the room!”

Self-Care Hack! Don’t Eat or Sleep or Rest At All Until Your Body Completely Shuts Down

According to the mother of the “sick self-care” movement, student influencer Alyssa Lin, the hack only has one simple step: “Just focus on the other things in life, and your body will manifest its own health,” said Alyssa. “Inner body saunas will raise your temperature to a nice factory reset level, and that’s when your body will take over and make the manual rest.”