NEW YORK CITY — To celebrate the year’s most successful business luminaries under thirty years of age, Forbes has released their official ‘30 Under 30’ Class of 2023, which just so happens to be composed entirely of landlords.
“Too many people think you need to ‘create a product’ or ‘provide a service’ to become a multimillionaire, when in fact the fastest way to build wealth is to acquire essential resources (like housing) and price-gouge the shit out of poors who want access to them,” explained ‘30 Under 30’ Class Fellow and duplex owner Ashley Liu. “Some people acquire real estate through savvy financial maneuvers like ‘inheritance’ or ‘nepotism,’ but personally, I bought my duplex using a loan whose interest and principal my tenants are paying off through their $3500/month [soon to be $4000/month] rent. This way, I can pay off all my debts and make a hefty 30% profit while contributing absolutely nothing to society.”
Liu’s game-changing strategy of charging human-beings for shelter has its roots in similarly exploitative practices across industries.
“We took inspiration from the healthcare and energy sectors, which also withhold basic human needs from people for the purpose of making ridiculous profit margins,” said Mark DiRusso, another ‘30 Under 30’ Class Fellow who happens to be a landlord. “Take Eli Lilly, for instance — a bold, visionary company which realized that charging diabetics for the insulin they need to survive is a $20 billion business opportunity. You just take that same principle, apply it to housing, and … BOOM. You’re the next 21st century millionaire.”
Although Liu, DiRusso, and the rest of the Class of 2023 are primarily motivated by money, they insist that they also wish to make a social impact through their work (or, rather, their lack of work).
“Our tenants aren’t just hosts for use to parasitize — they’re family,” said Class Fellow Sarah Giraud. “We care deeply about their well-being, which is why we constantly insert ourselves into their major life decisions. Thinking about having children? Want to pursue a passion that doesn’t pay as well as your current job? Not when the rent is this damn high! It feels so good to know that the overbearing financial burden we place on our tenants is profoundly impacting them.”
At press time, Giraud and the rest of the ‘30 Under 30’ Class of 2023 were on track to break boundaries by becoming the first Gen Z millionaires to be publicly executed via guillotine.