[Author’s note: This headline was co-conceived by the author and his roommate, Rohit Raj Mittal.]
Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of flak from triggered liberals who keep trying to invalidate my opinions on race based on the false notion that I have “white privilege.” For some reason, just because I’m white, I’m not allowed to tell minorities that their “lived experiences of racism” aren’t real and that the real racism is when people tell me that I’m racist. It’s actually quite hilarious that lefties think I have “white privilege” because in reality I am the furthest thing from “privileged.” In fact, I’m a total fucking loser with no friends, colleagues, or classmates who even remotely like me.
Hypothetically, if I had “white privilege,” this would mean that I am better off than my non-white peers. Even the most cursory examination of the facts reveals that this is not the case. All of the non-white people I know have several healthy friendships with people they know from classes, clubs, or other activities. Some of them even have romantic partners and/or stable relationships with family members who love them. Conversely, the closest thing I have to a friend is this one stranger on 4chan who keeps telling me that he wants to fuck my mom, and the most intimate conversation I’ve had with a girl was when I utterly destroyed this chick in my Poli Sci class who thought that the ‘gender pay gap’ was real (spoiler alert: it isn’t).
Liberals like to say that, as a white person, I benefit from the “white supremacy” and “systemic oppression” that favors people of my skin color over others. However, the only “systemic oppression” I’ve seen is the way conservatives get treated at this far-left liberal socialist campus. I advocate for eugenics once and all of a sudden I’m “literally Hitler????” Everyone with a brain knows that Hitler died in 1945 while fighting evil communist fascists from the Soviet Union. They should be naming a building after me; instead, they’re giving me side-eye in the lecture hall and refusing to invite me to their birthday parties.
Honestly, there’s no winning with these unhinged lefties. I mean that in every sense. The other day, I got my ass whupped by a liberal classmate after I told him that he only got into Berkeley for “diversity reasons.”* As soon as he punched me in the shoulder, I started squealing like a wombat and also simultaneously pissed and crapped myself. Tell me: would someone with “white privilege” act like such a whiny baby in that situation? I think not.
So checkmate, liberals. How can I have “white privilege” when I am such an absolutely pathetic piece of shit? I’m sorry, but the facts don’t care about your feelings.
Certainly, no one cares about my feelings.
*As of the writing of this article, the University of California, Berkeley does not have affirmative action programs.