Do you recall the Loma Prieta earthquake of 1989? The Little Ice Age? The Big Bang? No, no, of course you don’t. You have never seen truly terrible parking.
Awkward! I Just Ran Over Someone I Haven’t Spoken To Since Middle School
Kenneth is definitely giving off ‘please-go-away’ vibes. He hasn’t made eye contact with me the entire time I’ve been standing here. In fact, his eyes (and every other part of him) haven’t moved at all for the last several minutes. I get it; it’s really weird to meet someone again after such a long time apart. Guess this is my cue to leave.
Excuse Me? Only Congress Can Declare A Thumb War
Excuse me? What the fuck did you just say to me, you fascist piece of shit? If I heard you correctly (and believe me, I …
The Clintons Strike Again? Second Campanile Falcon Found Dead Under Suspicious Circumstances
BERKELEY, Calif. — Scarcely four and a half months after the ‘accidental death’ of Grinnell, a second Campanile falcon has been found dead on the …
CNR Student Celebrates Graduation by Bidding Final Farewell to the Environment
BERKELEY, Calif. — Conservation and Resource Studies major Clark Morrison celebrated his graduation from the Rausser College of Natural Resources on Sunday by bidding a …
“This Is Literally 1984!” Cries Conservative Who Would Prefer to Take Us Back to the Dark Ages
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking but also entirely unsurprising decision, the self-described ‘apolitical institution’ that is the Supreme Court of the United States has …
Top Ten Pirate Shanties to Listen to This Argh Argh Argh Week
Ahoy, ye blue-and-yellow-bellied scallywags! Argh Argh Argh week is upon us! Lest ye wish to walk the plank, celebrate by belting out these festive shanties …
Twitter Now Owned by The Free Peach After We Got It for Free on the App Store
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a surprise twist of surprising events, the social media platform “Twitter” is under new management after The Free Peach purchased it …
Elon Musk Celebrates Earth Day By Leaving
BOCA CHICA, Texas — Forgoing his usual performative grandstanding, Elon Musk has decided to permanently end his contribution to the climate crisis by jettisoning himself …
Disappointing Dick Pic Made Palatable by Beautiful Cherry Blossoms in Background
BERKELEY, Calif. — Sophomore Richard Hardman relieved himself from the embarrassment of a less-than-impressive dick pic last Saturday by framing his penis in front of …