A Failure of the Justice System: Turkey Pardoned by Biden Murders Twelve

“In my thirty-five years of committing horrific injustices, I have never seen an injustice this horrific,” opined Police Chief Rubnock P. Postlethwaite of Brook County, South Dakota (which is hundreds of miles away from Washington D.C. and has no connection to the mass homicide incident). “Honestly, my heart goes out to the families. No turkey should be allowed to go around murdering civilians like that. That’s the job of trained law enforcement.” 

‘I Just Want Lower Gas Prices,’ Says Woman Voting for Candidate Who Will Literally Kill Her

“I just can’t deal with having to pay $5.00 a gallon,” Wright explained after casting a vote for a Republican candidate who will not only not lower her gas prices, but will also strip her of Medicare benefits, Social Security, reproductive rights, freedom of expression, and other fundamental human liberties before executing her via firing squad for crimes against God and the state in 2032.

REPORT: You Just Had To Be There

BERKELEY, Calif. — According to recent reports regarding the incident that happened last Friday on Sproul Plaza, you really just had to be there.

“Honestly, there’s no way written journalism can adequately capture what happened,” declared Valmic Mukund, the Free Peach journalist who was in charge of investigating the incident. “Like, I could try to talk about it, or maybe draw some pictures, but regardless, you would lose so much critical context that it wouldn’t be worth it. Anyway, don’t you have better things to do than read a shitty article about some event on campus? Go take a walk, hang out with a friend, call your mom, do your homework, or something. Hell, if you’re really interested in what’s happening on Sproul Plaza, you could always just go there.”