BERKELEY, Calif. — “Go, Bears!” hecklers finally got their wish this Saturday when the Bears of the Class of 2023 officially abandoned this godforsaken shitshow we call UC Berkeley and set off for greener pastures.
“I’m so glad those miserable cunts finally got the hint and left,” said Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher in an unofficial statement to an invasive Argentine ant on his fingernail. “I’ve spent the past four years trying to tell these idiots to get the hell out of dodge—posting updates on the never-ending PG&E wildfires, providing play-by-play accounts of every COVID-19 infection detected in Berkeley’s wastewater, changing the mode of instruction every six weeks, forwarding WarnMe emails about crimes that span the entire length and breadth of Berkeley’s Municipal Code. Somehow, in spite of all of that, those chuckleheads stayed. They’re morons for sure, but there’s something about their stubbornness that I can’t help but admire. I think I might almost feel a little sad to see them go.” At this point, Fisher emitted a bizarre, slurpy-sniffling noise. “I’m not crying; you’re crying!” Observers were unable to confirm whether or not the Argentine ant on Fisher’s fingernail was, in fact, crying.
Despite the general mood of excitement, some members of the Class of 2023 have bittersweet feelings about departing campus.
“I’m really going to miss hating my life,” said graduating senior Daniel Vu. “I don’t think anywhere is going to make me regret my existence as much as Berkeley did. Sure, maybe one day I’ll have a job I dislike and a spouse I’ve drifted apart from and a child that feels more like an obligation than a reason for living… but will anyone ever baselessly accuse me of cheating the way Professor Sahai did? Will I ever endure a soul-crushing humiliation similar to that of flyering on Sproul Plaza? Will I ever look upon a building as ugly as Evans Hall? I think not. The truth is, I may never experience this level of utter misery ever again.”
Graduating seniors on r/berkeley expressed similar sentiments.
“I’ve built my entire personality around hating Cal,” said u/left_nut_of_oski. “If I can’t constantly make petty/ occasionally valid complaints about this institution, I won’t even know who I am anymore. Like, who’s supposed to ignore my mental health needs now? My parents?”
Cal’s ursine mascot has urged dismayed graduates not to lose faith.
“Once a Bear, always a Bear,” Oski said while staring at the sleeping body of a Class of 2009 graduate through their apartment window. “Fear not, graduates. You may be leaving Cal, but Cal will never leave you.”
At press time, Oski was in your walls.