BERKELEY, Calif. — “Go, Bears!” hecklers finally got their wish this Saturday when the Bears of the Class of 2023 officially abandoned this godforsaken shitshow we call UC Berkeley and set off for greener pastures.
“I’m so glad those miserable cunts finally got the hint and left,” said Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher in an unofficial statement to an invasive Argentine ant on his fingernail. “I’ve spent the past four years trying to tell these idiots to get the hell out of dodge—posting updates on the never-ending PG&E wildfires, providing play-by-play accounts of every COVID-19 infection detected in Berkeley’s wastewater, changing the mode of instruction every six weeks, forwarding WarnMe emails about crimes that span the entire length and breadth of Berkeley’s Municipal Code. Somehow, in spite of all of that, those chuckleheads stayed. They’re morons for sure, but there’s something about their stubbornness that I can’t help but admire. I think I might almost feel a little sad to see them go.” At this point, Fisher emitted a bizarre, slurpy-sniffling noise. “I’m not crying; you’re crying!” Observers were unable to confirm whether or not the Argentine ant on Fisher’s fingernail was, in fact, crying.