BERKELEY, Calif. – On a cold, crisp Wednesday morning, freshman Alexandra Green woke up to a flirty text message from junior Eric Johnson reading, “good morning, how did you sleep?” Touched, Green sought to answer his message, but realized he had sent the same message to nine other girls in one group text.

“I just can’t believe he would do something like that,” said Green. “We met in our Music 26AC discussion, and he asked me what my major was. I usually lie and say astrology. Guys usually just ask that question to talk about themselves. But then he asked me more about it, instead of ignoring me. I almost thought he could be the one.”

Caught outside the RSF, Johnson was asked why he chose to send all ten girls the message in one group chat.

“My mom told me I should find someone who would fight for me, so I messaged them all together so I could see who would. I don’t understand why they were upset. I was hoping each girl would argue about why she should be the one to go out with me, but they all just attacked me instead. I know my mom would be proud of me for seeing that these girls aren’t loyal.”

Johnson then questioned why he was still single.

“I’m the perfect guy. I just can’t seem to get a girlfriend,” claimed Johnson as he paused an Andrew Tate podcast. “I lift seven days a week, hold the door open for people, and call women ‘women’ and not ‘females.’ I’m gonna be rich since I’m a CS major, and I make sure to mention that upfront because I know all these bitc—I mean girls—only care about money.”

Green and the nine other girls subsequently blocked Johnson’s number and moved on with their lives. At press time, Johnson was overheard groaning that the heaviest weight he deadlifts is the weight of not having a girlfriend.

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