BERKELEY, Calif. — After cycling through a series of diets composed of raw meat, protein powder, and crayons, fitness enthusiast and influencer Ben Husslin has announced that he will now be consuming food.
“For hundreds of thousands of years, the human body has evolved to eat products that are fit for human consumption — what we in the fitness world call ‘food,’” Husslin explained in an Instagram livestream while dramatically throwing away a tub of Optimum Nutrition® Serious Mass™ High Protein Weight Gain Powder and picking up a hunk of bread. “This yeast-leavened flour-based fuel is chock-full of the same macronutrients that allowed our ancestors to conquer the world and engage in the kind of hard manual labor that I pretend to do in the gym. Wanna get mad gains? Do it the natural way. Eat food.”
Husslin’s fans insist that following his ‘food’ diet has done wonders for their health.
“I started eating ‘food’ about a month ago, and I’ve never felt better,” claimed EECS major and former Play-Doh sommelier Andrew Binghampton. “I feel like an ABSOLUTE GOD shitting out brown turds instead of rainbow-colored bricks. It’s like a massive weight has been lifted off of my shoulders—or, more precisely, my stomach. My only regret is that I didn’t start eating food earlier!”
Despite widespread praise for Husslin’s switch to food, some remain unconvinced of the diet’s validity.
“It’s pretty clear that [Husslin] is just a paid shill for Big Food,” declared Nutritional Science major Kathy Kim. “He spent his entire summer working at Shake Shack, which—you guessed it—serves food. With his deep ties to the industry, it’s no surprise that he’s suddenly promoting ‘food’ as this magical fitness cure-all. It’s so sad to see someone of his talent sell-out to corporate interests, but I guess that’s just capitalism for you.”
At press time, Husslin was blatantly shilling for the water industry by claiming that people should “drink water after every workout” and that water is “essential for survival.”