BERKELEY, Calif. — In a surprise twist of surprising events, the social media platform “Twitter” is under new management after The Free Peach purchased it for $0.00 on the App Store.
“At The Peach, we pride ourselves on taking advantage of the opportunities that come our way,” reported editor-in-chief Shane Pauker. “When we saw that one of the world’s most popular social media platforms was available for free on the App Store, we couldn’t believe our luck. That’s less than the cost of one of our ridiculously overpriced stickers! The former CEO of Twitter was completely on board with the transaction, I assume, since we acquitted it in under 30 seconds, leading to what will be an amicable, possibly even sensual takeover.”
Some parties have expressed displeasure about the turn of events.
“I literally offered my monthly allowance that I get from mummy and daddy’s private emerald mine in Zambia (or, as I call it, ‘former Rhodesia/future Muskonia’) and now I don’t have anything to spend it on! I was going to be the founder of Twitter and it was going to all be my idea that I made by myself,” quipped Elon Musk, ex-boyfriend of Amber Heard, former bald guy, and inventor of the horseless carriage.
Other parties, however, believe that The Peach’s acquisition of Twitter represents an important step forward in the battle for civil liberties.
“For as long as I can remember, I have been an ardent supporter of the First Amendment right to shut the fuck up,” explained Free Peach writer Valmic Mukund. “Under The Peach’s leadership, I promise that Twitter will enter a new Golden Age of liberty, where users will not only be free to shut the fuck up, but entirely encouraged to do so. To this end, we will be increasing the number of random account suspensions by 5500% and censoring all opinions we find excessively tame, reasonable, or well-intentioned. Good luck to all users, and may the shadow bans begin!”
“We will also automatically force all users to follow us (@thefreepeach) on Twitter,” continued fellow writer Tohar Zamir, unprompted. “We picked up the tactic from when Apple automatically downloaded that U2 album on everyone’s phone. We’re also planning to force every Twitter user to retweet snippets from that album every day.” Valmic shot Tohar a look of disapproval. “Okay, that’s not true, but who gives a shit dude, it’s Twitter. Our users spread misinfo like it’s cooties, which the CDC has recently confirmed exist. Wait that’s misinformation too? Shit somebody should really buy Twitter and regulate it…”
Top Twitter trends following the acquisition included: “#FreePeachDidntKillItself, #ILoveMisinformation, #MORBIUSsweep, #ElonGotDuped, and #StickYourHandUnderAMovingCarChallenge.