Berkeley Halloween Shops Sell Out of Skeleton Costumes Weeks Early, For Some Reason

Although weeks remain before Halloween, Berkeley’s costume shops have sold out of skeleton costumes, business owners report. 

“It’s the weirdest thing,” Party City franchisee Alvin Bean recounted. “Normally these college kids don’t start buying costumes until the day they’re supposed to start drinking. Even then, the only skeleton costumes we usually move are the Skeleslut 2000s, with their patent-pending Realistic Skeletit Technology™. Then on Friday, a bunch of kids in turtlenecks came in and bought out all my cheapest stock.”

Campus: “Now People Can Live in People’s Park!”

“Many have asked: who will benefit? Wouldn’t it make more sense and save more money just to reduce enrollment to prior numbers? Well, this isn’t about the money. The New People’s Park will not contain people; the New People’s Park will not contain park. The New People’s Park will contain that most oppressed class in society: buildings! Glorious, glorious buildings! And maybe, someday, we’ll all be able to look at People’s Park and say ‘Hey, people live here.’”

Big Man’s Ego Totally Dependent on Slamming Tiny Ball into Tiny Net

BERKELEY, Calif. — Failing to relive the glory afforded to him in high school by being a mid-tier varsity water polo player, Cal freshman Dominic Hughes has poured his heart and soul into a new favorite pastime.

“My fragile, fragile ego’s been in, like, freefall ever since I arrived here last month,” explained Hughes while slamming a tiny ball into a tiny net on the Glade. “But ever since I discovered Spikeball, it’s been propped up by a precarious, Jenga-like support system, which is, like, a total relief. Once I saw five consecutive games being played exclusively by other dudes in the 5’10” to 6’2”, moderately athletic range, I knew I was home.”

Woke! Oski has Only Eaten Three Freshmen this GBO

BERKELEY, Calif. — In a recently-leaked email, GBO Steering Committee chair Jeffrey Cass claimed that this year’s orientation has exceeded all prior expectations.

“Everybody should pat themselves on the back,” Cass wrote to other committee members. “The numbers show that we’ve knocked it out of the park. This year’s incoming freshman and junior transfers can find, on average, a whopping two buildings on campus, up 100% from last year! The typical freshman has walked nearly three marathons! And, of course, we should give special credit to Dr. O’Reilly’s Oski Defense Taskforce (ODT). Thanks to those extra-strength bear traps you set out, the beast (in all His glory) has only taken three freshmen for his annual sacrifice! Great job!”