Every day, Berkeley students get serenaded by three concerts, totally free of charge. It’s too bad that they’re played on giant century-old bells that can’t …
Berkeley Halloween Shops Sell Out of Skeleton Costumes Weeks Early, For Some Reason
Although weeks remain before Halloween, Berkeley’s costume shops have sold out of skeleton costumes, business owners report.
“It’s the weirdest thing,” Party City franchisee Alvin Bean recounted. “Normally these college kids don’t start buying costumes until the day they’re supposed to start drinking. Even then, the only skeleton costumes we usually move are the Skeleslut 2000s, with their patent-pending Realistic Skeletit Technology™. Then on Friday, a bunch of kids in turtlenecks came in and bought out all my cheapest stock.”
Campus: “Now People Can Live in People’s Park!”
“Many have asked: who will benefit? Wouldn’t it make more sense and save more money just to reduce enrollment to prior numbers? Well, this isn’t about the money. The New People’s Park will not contain people; the New People’s Park will not contain park. The New People’s Park will contain that most oppressed class in society: buildings! Glorious, glorious buildings! And maybe, someday, we’ll all be able to look at People’s Park and say ‘Hey, people live here.’”
Heartbreaking: That YoPo Flavor Is Sugar-Free
BERKELEY, Calif. – Yogurt Park patrons breathed a collective deep sigh on Tuesday upon realizing the best flavor was, in fact, sugar-free. “This happens basically …
OPINION: I’m Not Better Than You, I’m Just Running on Campus
Listen: I know we’ve had bad blood in the past, but we can move beyond that! After all, even though your blood is bad, mine is chock-full of oxygen. (That’s just one of the perks of being a golden, glowing Adonis like myself.)
Big Man’s Ego Totally Dependent on Slamming Tiny Ball into Tiny Net
BERKELEY, Calif. — Failing to relive the glory afforded to him in high school by being a mid-tier varsity water polo player, Cal freshman Dominic Hughes has poured his heart and soul into a new favorite pastime.
“My fragile, fragile ego’s been in, like, freefall ever since I arrived here last month,” explained Hughes while slamming a tiny ball into a tiny net on the Glade. “But ever since I discovered Spikeball, it’s been propped up by a precarious, Jenga-like support system, which is, like, a total relief. Once I saw five consecutive games being played exclusively by other dudes in the 5’10” to 6’2”, moderately athletic range, I knew I was home.”
Woke! Oski has Only Eaten Three Freshmen this GBO
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a recently-leaked email, GBO Steering Committee chair Jeffrey Cass claimed that this year’s orientation has exceeded all prior expectations.
“Everybody should pat themselves on the back,” Cass wrote to other committee members. “The numbers show that we’ve knocked it out of the park. This year’s incoming freshman and junior transfers can find, on average, a whopping two buildings on campus, up 100% from last year! The typical freshman has walked nearly three marathons! And, of course, we should give special credit to Dr. O’Reilly’s Oski Defense Taskforce (ODT). Thanks to those extra-strength bear traps you set out, the beast (in all His glory) has only taken three freshmen for his annual sacrifice! Great job!”
If I Don’t Write This Article, Shane Will Do Unspeakable Things to Me
I’ll level with you: I’m new here. This is one of the first things I’ve written for The Free Peach. I’ve been trying but… oh geez is this stuff hard. Here’s the thing: Shane Pauker, our beloved leader, doesn’t take no for an answer.
Classics Department Uncovers Greek Text Containing All of ABBA’s Lyrics
At press time, an engineering student in d’Aulaire’s lecture was playing devil’s advocate for Pierce Brosnan’s Mamma Mia! performance.
I Put Trader Joe’s Everything but the Bagel Sesame Seasoning on an Everything Bagel and I Now No Longer Fear Death
I used to be like you. I used to underestimate the everything bagel. Pish posh, I thought like a character in some poorly-written Anglophile Wattpad …