Listen. I get that mom’s been lonely since dad disappeared. I’m happy that she’s putting herself out there. Alden treats her well and is good with us eggs. But do they really need to have bird sex 24/7? It’s not even mating season, but they’re going at it like wild animals! It’s intense, too — all talons and wing flapping. Anyway, here’s how my siblings and I cope.

Focus on the giant bells that reverberate underneath your house every day

I don’t know where they come from, but the bells come every day, multiple times a day. They shake our nest. At first they scared me a lot, but now they’re kind of reassuring. They’re basically proof of God in our home. That’s good, considering they cover up the Godless screeches I would hear otherwise.

Ask mom to read you a bedtime story

This distracts them long enough to stave off any extra hanky-panky. I’m a particularly big fan of If You Give A Mouse a Cookie; it combines Mom’s combined love of eating and mice, so she gets pretty invested. It also takes super long to get through since we’re birds and  biologically incapable of reading anyway.

Peck on the ceiling so they know to keep it down

It would be cool if you had a broom inside the egg to tap the ceiling with. You don’t. Pecking is a gentle reminder that you’re all in a shared space and should be courteous to each other. Just don’t peck too hard, or else you might accidentally get evicted from the shell.

Wait and let it be

Dear reader, you have to realize that I’m an egg. If this article is reaching the intended audience, you’re probably an egg, too. We can’t really move around or do anything. Sometimes it’s better to just accept your fate until better things come.


Image from Cal Falcons.

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