Listen. I get that mom’s been lonely since dad disappeared. I’m happy that she’s putting herself out there. Alden treats her well and is good …
Fowl Play? Grinnell’s “Accidental Death” Linked to the Clintons
BERKELEY, Calif.— “I have information that will lead to the arrest of William J. Clinton.” These are the last known words of Grinnell, the beloved …
Daily Campanile Concerts Renamed “Clock and Bell Torture”
BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley will rebrand its daily carillon performances to attract a younger, edgier audience, according to an official statement made by the …
6 Campanile Songs That Sound Like Dogshit
Every day, Berkeley students get serenaded by three concerts, totally free of charge. It’s too bad that they’re played on giant century-old bells that can’t …
Campanile Bells Replaced By Southside Garbage Trucks Because They are Louder and Also Make Noise Every Day
“After realizing that the Southside garbage trucks come seven days a week, and are far louder and more disruptive than the Campanile’s bells, we have decided to use them instead from now on.”
Cthulu Sits On Campanile, Likes It
As he flailed he braced for pain, but was pleasantly surprised that the feeling of the Campanile in his rectum incredibly good.
True Crime: I Put a Very Silly Hat on Top of Every Campus Building
I chase their dreams like a dog chasing cars. I put hats on top of each one. Silly hats. Absurd hats. Hell, I bet the Joker would call these “Normal Hats.” These are the buildings. Their hats are their stories.
Eye of Sauron Appears Over Campanile, No One Cares
“Oh boohoo, the ruler of Mordor is now looking at everything I do,” sarcastically exclaimed sophomore Derrick Quincy. “My TikTok For You Page is clearly based on things I say out loud, and Bcourses can monitor how much time I spend on their website. I clearly don’t have any privacy, why should I care if Sauron is looking at me too? At least he’s upfront and honest about it, unlike everyone else.”
Top 10 Spots for Socially-Distant Dates on Campus
2020 has been hard. Pandemic is upon us, democracy is crumbling, and you haven’t gotten slammed over the handicap support bar of a Buffalo Wild …