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Month: October 2021

Posted on October 31, 2021October 31, 2021 by: lyamashir01

Professor Crawls Out of His Own Asshole to Hold Your Midterm a Day After Halloween

BERKELEY, Calif. – For the majority of mischievous adult adolescents far and wide, the final days of October are a time for using silly brainiac …

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Posted on October 30, 2021 by: emmasmith6

Spooky! The Tinder Match You Ghosted Three Months Ago Reincarnates in Your DM’s

BERKELEY, Calif. — Recent weeks have witnessed the resurrection of otherwise dead text conversations in recent weeks, students report.  “It was the most cursed thing …

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Posted on October 30, 2021October 30, 2021 by: Abby Fisher

Halloweekend Lineup to Include ‘Super Hot Chicks and Culturally Appropriating Dicks’ Party

BERKELEY, Calif. – After a long-winded brainstorm session, the Berkeley Interfraternity Council came to the exciting conclusion that “Super Hot Chicks and Culturally Appropriating Dicks”-themed …

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Posted on October 29, 2021October 29, 2021 by: Tohar Zamir

OPINION: Why I, a Man, Am Dressing Like a Slut This Halloween

As we continue to reject the limitations of gender and the patriarchy, I pose the question: why have men been denied their inalienable right to …

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Posted on October 29, 2021October 29, 2021 by: jokimg

Cal Hacks, but does Cal Fuck?

BERKELEY, Calif. – After a weekend of ideating, designing, coding, and collaborating, the world’s largest collegiate hackathon came to an end. However, at Cal Hacks …

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Posted on October 28, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

Ecologists Concerned Rains Diluted Strawberry Creek’s Natural Strawberry Flavor

BERKELEY, Calif. — Ecologists at the University of California, Berkeley, are concerned that the past week’s atypical heavy rains have disturbed the local ecosystem. “Getting …

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Posted on October 28, 2021October 28, 2021 by: Valmic Mukund

Hearst Museum Celebrates Halloween by Hiding 9000 Human Skeletons Under a Swimming Pool

BERKELEY, Calif – Halloween is just around the corner and the Hearst Museum of Anthropology isn’t one to miss out on all the spooky fun! …

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Posted on October 27, 2021 by: lyamashir01

Society Finally Sexualizing Asian Men Due to Fictional Game Where They All End Up Dead

LOS ANGELES — Thanks to the sensational worldwide Netflix hit Squid Game, our society has completed a full 180, effectively putting an end to the …

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Posted on October 27, 2021November 7, 2021 by: tomwickline

Haas Student Swears His Dream Job Is Making Numbers Go Up With Excel

BERKELEY, Calif. — In shocking testimony from Haas student Newt Roberts, he asserted that his dream job truly is sitting at a desk, making numbers …

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Posted on October 26, 2021October 26, 2021 by: lyamashir01

Three Minutes Added to Berkeley Time for Untangling Headphones

BERKELEY, Calif — The UC Berkeley administration took a historic leap this Monday, announcing a new policy in the age of Zoom-school: “Berkeley Time,” Berkeley’s …

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