BERKELEY, Calif. — In shocking testimony from Haas student Newt Roberts, he asserted that his dream job truly is sitting at a desk, making numbers go up on spreadsheets for hours on end. 

“It’s not just about the money for me, like it is with some people,” Roberts claimed. “I’m honestly passionate about all that investment banking entails. There’s a hidden beauty in spreadsheets. Who needs excitement when you have organized arrays of banking information? That’s all the thrill I need.”

When asked about his rationale for choosing investment banking as his career path, Roberts defended his choice with high-minded rhetoric.

“Above all else, I want to feel like I’m making a difference in society. As an investment banker, I know I can accomplish this; my work will help so many of my clients in consolidating and growing their wealth—so what if it’s on the backs of the working class? If those people wanted money they could just work as hard as I do; I have like an hour of work to do every single night,” Roberts argued.

Although similarly optimistic, another Haas student approached their future of corporate finance with a different perspective.

“Not only is the job boring, but it also contributes absolutely nothing to society!” beamed Haas junior Horace Ninnymuggins. “I can be unfulfilled and part of the problem! It’s a win-win!”

Although the money that comes with these jobs is substantial, it’s a well-known fact that money cannot buy happiness. However, it can buy Pokémon cards, which are basically the same thing.

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