BERKELEY, Calif. – Yesterday evening, a brave student attempted to plug their computer charger into a Doe lamp outlet in an effort to write a ten page research paper due at midnight. However, like the many others before them, the attempted connection failed.
“It’s not you, it’s me,” stated the Doe lamp. “We just don’t fit together. I’m never going to change, even if it would make the lives of thousands of students much easier. I get it, you want to come over here and enjoy the only library on campus that really gets that dark academia aesthetic you need to focus on your assignments. But this is simply never going to happen. You should cut your losses with me and go back to your ex.”
The ex in question, an outlet on the noisy floor of Moffitt situated next to the trash cans, shared a comment in response.
“Yeah, we went out a couple years back,” drawled the Moffitt outlet as it took a drag of a cigarette. “I guess you could say I get around. I’ll have anywhere from one to five students crowded around me at all times, crouched on the floor like miserable suckers in an airport. One time, a student brought an extension cord, and let me tell you I haven’t been that plugged up since the 60s,” it smirked. “You’d think a library with multiple levels and plenty of space would have available seating, but no. The truth of the situation is that students are always going to need a place to study and charge up, and I’m always going to be here for them to run back to.”
At press time, it was revealed that an outlet at Haas Library had made itself available, though the bio of its Tinder profile.
“I’m not looking for anything serious [100 emoji] [fire emoji]. I’m pretty open to whatever freaky shit you’re into. I’ll charge your vape, your $500 Apple headphones, and even your electric scooter. Just want some sparks to fly between us, and I’m not talking about a short-circuit [cold face][handshake].”
Amidst the hopeless prospects, this poor student is still in search of an outlet that’s the perfect fit.