BERKELEY, Calif. — An exciting new report by leading economists at the University of California, Berkeley has some advice to give Millennials: eat shit and die.

“The best course of action for Millennials to take in this highly-competitive, globalized, 21st-century economy is quite simply to eat shit and die,” declared Nobel Laureate David Card in the ‘Discussion’ section of the report. “I’m not going to sugarcoat it—you guys [Millennials] are fucked. Rising income inequality, right-wing public policy, and impending environmental collapse have all but ensured that you will never retire comfortably or enjoy a decent standard of living. Unless you are happy wage-slaving through your golden years without adequate healthcare benefits or a home, I suggest taking the quickest possible exit from this unrelenting hellscape we call existence. Alternatively, if that isn’t an option, try cutting back on the avocado toast and the Starbucks frappuccinos. Sure, it’ll do little to help you financially, but at least it’ll make you moderately less annoying.”

Many Millennials have reacted positively to the report’s recommendations.

“Wow—this is advice I can actually use,” said thirty-three-year-old barista Alex Vinneman. “I mean, I kind of assumed that this was what Boomers were trying to tell me all along, but it’s nice to finally have it clearly spelled out. I don’t have any other strategies to pay off my student loan debt or my credit card bills, so I might as well try eating shit and dying.”

Despite widespread approval of the report among Millennials, some are skeptical about the efficacy of the report’s advice. 

“I’ve been telling my son to ‘eat shit and die’ for decades, and it hasn’t done anything to improve his finances,” said proud Boomer and professional landlord Bert Hardwood. “Somehow, my repeated suggestions for him to ‘get a real job’ and ‘stop being such a whiny loser’ have failed to make him successful. He continues to make unwise financial decisions, like getting Stage 3 pancreatic cancer and going to therapy. The last time we spoke, he said he was trying to recover from ‘years of emotional abuse’ and was cutting off all the ‘toxic people’ in his life, whatever the hell that means. Now, he refuses to talk to me. Typical Millennial snowflake, am I right?” 

At press time, leading economists released a follow-up report urging Gen Z to get fucked.

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