BERKELEY, Calif. — An exciting new report by leading economists at the University of California, Berkeley has some advice to give Millennials: eat shit and die.
“The best course of action for Millennials to take in this highly-competitive, globalized, 21st-century economy is quite simply to eat shit and die,” declared Nobel Laureate David Card in the ‘Discussion’ section of the report. “I’m not going to sugarcoat it—you guys [Millennials] are fucked. Rising income inequality, right-wing public policy, and impending environmental collapse have all but ensured that you will never retire comfortably or enjoy a decent standard of living. Unless you are happy wage-slaving through your golden years without adequate healthcare benefits or a home, I suggest taking the quickest possible exit from this unrelenting hellscape we call existence. Alternatively, if that isn’t an option, try cutting back on the avocado toast and the Starbucks frappuccinos. Sure, it’ll do little to help you financially, but at least it’ll make you moderately less annoying.”