BERKELEY, Calif. –Cal Football coach Tosh Lupoi was seen fuming after UC Berkeley’s recent naming rights deal with AI Company Databricks was revealed to be a phishing scam. Despite selling their soul and relinquishing much of their morality, Cal was left with a devastating 24-10 loss at home against ACC opponent Clemson last Friday. Free Peach reporters were on the scene to interview Mr. Lupoi.
“GODDAMN IT! If we’re going to be scummy, why can’t we at least be good?! I bought into the whole “becoming a wretched husk of what this university is supposed to represent” thing because I thought we’d win some football games,” Lupoi noted. He continued his rant, shouting ”We could liquidate every department, sell off the libraries for cash, and we’d still end up with a 5-7 win record!”
Reporters were also able to get a hold of General Manager Ron Rivera, who shared Lupoi’s negative criticisms.
“Yeah, it’s tough, you know,” Rivera commented. “I’m just wondering if we weren’t evil enough. Stanford won this weekend, and they’re pretty on top of the whole “being a shill” thing. The thing that irks me is that we’ve already done so much, what more do they want? Suppressing those protests and cutting those budgets wasn’t nothing! It goes to show that here at Berkeley, the standard is always changing!”
Cal’s chances to make the College Football Playoff have evaporated to near-zero. In response, Chancellor Rich Lyons is reportedly prepared to auction off the naming rights to Doe Library, with top bidders including Lockheed Martin and Blackrock.