BERKELEY, Calif.— After decades upon decades of investigation into the smell of the Recreational Sports Facility (RSF) Weight Room, A team of UC Berkeley Chemists have discovered a new lethal pathogen seemingly causing the stench. The pathogen, denoted inexplicably as “Gymbrostink”, is currently being studied carefully at Lawrence Laboratory.
Although students have several gripes with the weight room being too crowded, the queue being too long, or people hogging machines—one issue seems to have been causing adverse health conditions among our student body, right under our very noses.
This is the intense malodor, or in the words of a particularly passionate undergraduate student: “There’s the utter filthy dirty juicy stench smelling like balls and such” (unnamed student, October 1st).
Upon countless reports like the one above, Berkeley chemists began to investigate the odor, finding the source to be from sweat left on unwiped machines, particularly that of “Swampass”, or external perspiration from ones behind. Using the latest airborne detecting area software the researchers found a plethora of the particles surrounding those that tended to be big buff muscle boys. The team decided to, against their better judgement, swab the seats after just being used by those surrounded by the particles. What was uncovered under the microscope was a horrifying reality: a microorganism, shaped quite phallicly might we add, releasing stinky inky particles into the air.
“After weeks of careful testing we have brought back to the lab a sample of what we believe to be a newly discovered pathogen, located primarily in the RSF. We have dubbed this germ “Gymbrostink” after our colleague Jeremiah Gymbrostink who unfortunately passed due to his exposure to the stench (Dr. Labrotarium-Stinkus, September 29th, 2026).
The effects of Gymbrostink are, however, not universal. New studies indicate that certain members of the population have developed immunity to the pathogen due to consistent exposure. For those with this immunity, Gymbrostink can cause other, more disturbing symptoms, including excessive sweating, hydrophobia (and subsequent resistance to bathing), rushing a frat, and calling male peers “son” excessively.
One such insusceptible student gave us a comment on his experience regarding his immunity, pointing to a large number of the student body that cannot detect the smell. The following comment comes from Thad Logan III, proud legacy of the Delta Theta Phi Kappa Epsilon III Fraternity (not officially recognized by the university). Throughout his fourteen semesters here so far, Thad has not smelt anything out of the ordinary in his many hours logged pumping iron in the RSF weight room.
“For real though son, I lowkey never smelled anything like that. I mean, my first time in the weight room, I smelt a fucking butt booty nasty smell, but I highkey just thought it was my guy Kyle” (Thaddeus Logan III, September 28th, 2026).
Dr. Labrotorium-Stinkus asserts to the Free Peach that she does not mean any offense to anyone who may carry the pathogen, and wants to ensure they are not discriminated against for having this condition. She and her team firmly state that people should NOT be told to shower more, that we should NOT blame male gym goers for the stench that the room produces, and that we should definitely NOT be connecting this stench to a certain demographic of sweaty young men. While their research is ongoing, most are encouraged to wear three layers of masks while in the weight rooms, or simply to just go outside and touch grass.