Listen, I think I’m speaking for everyone when I say: whatever happened to the good old days when a nice, firm handjob was enough to get your foot in the door? Nowadays it’s all “Handshake” this, “LinkedIn” that––whatever happened to getting lucrative job opportunities through backdoor dealings? I don’t even do backdoor stuff, but even I admit that the job market these days has gotten too extreme! I’m genuinely wondering: has the modern day workforce been dehumanized so much that we can’t even allow ourselves the simple pleasure of a handjob?
My career counselor keeps pressuring me to update my Handshake with ‘important information’ to ‘market myself to potential employers,’ and maybe I would, if I had any info deemed ‘suitable’ by mainstream resume standards! But I’ve had zero internships so far and my only relevant skill is that two handed, flick of the wrist, thumb over the top method I’ve perfected (100% success rate, btw) and that’s more of an in-person thing than a resume padder, ya know what I mean? I can’t even get past the resume drop rounds, which is absurd because these employers don’t even fucking know me. They don’t know the shit I’ve been through, the balls I’ve wrung, the accidental rug burns I’ve given! I’m a smart, capable young lady, so please: someone just accept my gracious meat-beating offer so I can demonstrate my tenacious work ethic and proactive approach to challenges!
Some people might snidely ask if it’s demeaning to have to rely on sexual favors for a job. To that I respond, you fucking wish you had the hands of an angel and the technique of a dirty, dirty sinner don’t you? And is it any more demeaning than mindlessly updating every single inconsequential update to your career, whoring out and degrading any actual life experience for the possibility of appearing as professional development? I see your LinkedIn motivational post, and no, I don’t ‘applaud’ you or ‘heart’ your newfound skills gotten from volunteering at a nonprofit, because deep, deep down I know that I’m not the only one bending over for a prospective company that doesn’t give a shit about me. I don’t mean to sound cynical or jaded, but at least when I’m begging for a job in this ungodly late stage capitalist hellscape, I’m ready to get fucked.
So yeah, maybe I’ve only made it to one interview round before those HR fuckers found out and blacklisted me, but I bet I made it further than some other chump. And guess what? My performance reviews have been through the roof and that shit spreads like wildfire (and gonorrhea) through word of mouth. You bet your ass I’m just waiting for the day my ship comes in and I can finally delete my Handshake. Until then, I guess I’ll just be working on my hard skills and hitting up recruiters with a “u up?”