STANFORD, Calif. – In anticipation of the Big Game this weekend, Stanford students, fans, and faculty have joined together to spread the message that they are going to absolutely systematically destroy random people of color this weekend to honor their school’s long history of anti-anti-racism.
“We’re going to show that school from across The Bay who’s the boss!” exclaimed interim Stanford President Richard Saller while googling how to falsify research like his predecessor. “And then after that, we’re going to celebrate like true members of the Stanford community and oppress racial minorities like our eugenicist founders would have intended. In today’s hyper-woke overly partisan college landscape, I am proud that we have cultivated a freethinking open-minded student body who can understand both sides of an issue. This is especially true when the issue is about how much we should violently discriminate against those at the margins of society.”
Stanford students were eager to agree with Saller’s comments.
“In the same way the Big Game is an annual Stanford tradition, destroying the livelihoods of all the disgusting non-white in the world is a daily Stanford tradition,” explained Stanford CS major and founder of BasicallyJustFascism.AI Jimmy Leno. “Trust me, I’m as liberal as the next guy. I read the New York Times and only have one parent that is an executive for Lockheed Martin. However, I think it’s intellectually dishonest for Berkeley students to dismiss our valid perspectives just because we’re not anti-American leftists like them. We’re more evolved because we don’t resort to stupid violent protests against systemic issues. Rather, we take a more dignified approach of actively funding and encouraging them.”
Condoleeza Rice, the Director of the right-wing Hoover Institution think tank, was enthusiastic about Stanford’s ongoing subjugation of minorities across the globe.
“As the director of Stanford’s Hoover Institution, I understand the necessity of making the world a significantly worse place for everyone besides like three white guys,” noted Rice while smiling at a video of a puppy crying. “What people don’t understand is that we care about diversity. We have helped commit such a diverse array of tragedies and war crimes, hurting people of color both inside and out of the United States. From Hoover Institution alums such as Henry Kissinger to Milton Friedman, we hope to keep pumping those numbers up. It warms my heart to see that this current generation of Stanford students are continuing in our time honored traditions and I can’t wait to see what incredible thinkers this university will produce and just how many countries, regions, and ethnic groups each of them will persecute and eradicate.”
Following the Big Game, members of the Stanford community hope to practice another tradition by recreating the Stanford Prison Experiment.