In this era of misinformation and partisan brainwashing, a completely false and libelous rumor has spread that I recently pissed myself while watching my favorite Italian plumber at the AMC Emeryville. However, unbiased fact-checking conducted by this star journalist has found these claims to be utterly false.
MLB Introduces Pitch Clock to More Accurately Measure How Long It Will Take for Baseball to Die
“These young kids think they can mess with tradition, but they’re dead wrong,” yelled 85-year-old baseball fan Smith Smithers. “How can we watch baseball if there’s no time for the television commentators to tell long unrelated stories about the minutiae of life while waiting for nothing to happen on screen?”
‘Rules Are Made to Be Broken’ Says Guy About to Cheat on His Girlfriend During Spring Break
GENERIC RESORT TOWN – Immediately following his flight landing in Miami with his “boys,” Delta Iota Kappa (DIK) brother and chlamydia vector Chad Broson posted …
‘It Adds Some Risky Fun,’ Says Berkeley Transportation Commission on Why the Crosswalk Signs Don’t Work at Night
BERKELEY, Calif.– In a recent public appearance, the Berkeley Transportation Committee finally explained that they chose to stop crosswalk signs from working at night because “it adds some risky fun that makes us feel alive on this tiny rock floating in space.”
“America is in a Truly Dark Place Right Now” says Political Pundit at Night
“Jeff is right on the money for a variety of reasons,” explained fellow Fox News host and manslaughter suspect Sally Stabs. “People need to understand that when you can’t directly see an object, it no longer exists. The liberal lamestream media is once again trying to act like the world is more complex than that. Honestly, this is why Republicans keep winning, because we know that the average person doesn’t believe in this hippy nonsense of the earth rotating or New York State homicide laws or whatever. Big light in sky go bye bye so that means it goes bye bye forever and we should all panic and pay Elon Musk to fix it with SpaceX.”
OPINION: It’s Okay If You Have to Stop and Tie Your Shoes
Picture this in your noggin. You’re walking with your friends in a horizontal line so it’s really annoying for people to bypass you and then, …
“Did You Hear About This?” Asks Mom About to Tell You Something Blatantly Untrue
BERKELEY, Calif. – In her most recent Whatsapp message, Junior Jyothi Reddy’s mother forwarded her a news story about a Trader Joe’s lacing their Himalayan Rock Salt with Fentanyl and moldy shredded parmesan, followed by asking “Did You Hear About this?”
“I tried to explain to her that it makes no sense for a grocery store to spend tens of thousands of dollars on fentanyl and then put that in their food to try to poison the people who give them money. She just kept saying that ‘it says it right there so it must be true,’” explained Reddy. “She sends like ten of these posts a week. I remember the last time, it was something about how Vladimir Putin was actually having an illicit affair with Ron Desantis in the Cayman Islands and the picture looked like it was made in MS Paint.”
Shocking: Fewer Than 1% of American Voters Value Candidates’ “Stance on the War of 1812”
WASHINGTON, D.C – A new nationwide poll by Gallup found that while most registered voters picked inflation, abortion access, and cost of living as key …
Where Are They Now? The Teletubbies Sun Baby Found in New January 6th Footage
“I’m still trapped in my giggling yellow spiky circle cage but now it’s a metaphorical cage made by Sleepy Joe and George Soros.”
‘At Least I’m Not a Business Major’ Says Econ Major Who Also Sucks
“I mean, obviously business majors are a menace to society but Joseph is also one of the biggest douchebags I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting. One time he tried to correct the professor by standing up in the middle of class and saying that we should tax the rich less because they’re smarter,” stated Smith’s classmate Cecilia Su. “We weren’t even talking about taxes either. It was super awkward because no one acknowledged him and he also wouldn’t sit back down.”