VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis tragically passed away earlier on Monday, but not before enduring an unbearable, thirty-minute meeting with National Backup Dancer and altar-boy-who-missed-his-cue, JD Vance. In a meeting dubbed “Vice Purgatory” by the Council of Cardinals, Francis became the first Pope and 985th democratically elected foreign leader to be killed by an agent of the American government.
“This is a whole new method of regime change,” explained CIA Director Langley B. Killjoy, spinning a globe of potential coup-sites like a Harlem Globetrotter. “Usually, we have to spend months funding half a dozen far-right death squads, staging a fake proletariat uprising, and convincing the Times it was all grassroots. But with JD? One sweaty handshake, one humble brag about banning gay books, and the Pope’s body combusts from pure disgust at the vice president’s existence. Sure, the Hague called it torture, but just like Israel, Chevron, and the IMF, we have a firm policy of not recognizing international law.”
“We’re still scraping bits of mitre off the marble,” whispered shell-shocked and unofficial PR liaison for the Vatican’s Crisis Containment Choir, Monsignor P.D. Felio. “I tried warning him. I said ‘Father don’t meet with him. There is something off about JD’s spirit—like if Mike Pence and wet drywall had a baby.’ But the Holy Father insisted on shaking his hand. One touch and boom—cardiac event. The whole Sistine ceiling rattled like a Waffle House after mass.”
Others within the Vatican claim the Pope’s death may have been premeditated.
“We’ve faced assisination attempts before—fascists, poisonings, interviews on The View—but this was different,” said Father Phil Atio, a 94-year old confessional priest who received Vance’s spiritual offloading an hour before the Pope collapsed. “He sat down, removed his wedding ring, and just whispered ‘when I’m with Usha, I have to imagine couch cushions to get anywhere.’ Then, without warning, he sprinted towards the Pope’s quarters with a USB of his Joe Rogan appearance. It seems this was his plan all along. God works in mysterious ways but Satan works through deeply unpleasant men.”
At press time, Vance tweeted that he had a “productive interfaith dialogue with the Pope” while cloven hooves and horns sprouted from his body.