Ah yes, you can hear the fire cracking over the familial chatter in the other room, and the spirit of giving and love is omnipresent …
Career Confusion: Is Handshake Really Necessary or Can I Just Apply Directly with a Handjob?
Listen, I think I’m speaking for everyone when I say: whatever happened to the good old days when a nice, firm handjob was enough to …
Checkmate, Liberals: If Biden is So Good for America, Then Why Do I Feel Empty All the Time?
As a student at UC Berkeley and the child of two hardcore Rachel Maddow enthusiasts, it’s no surprise that I am surrounded by lots of …
Canvas Throws Me a Fucking Rager for Submitting 40-Day-Late Assignment
You may know me as an academic weapon — and you’d be absolutely correct. I’ve made lots of close friends over my academic career, and …
Opinion: I’ll Just Agree With Anything to Get Out of This Conversation
“Yeah I hate tomatoes too. Oh, you actually said you like tomatoes? Yeah, actually tomatoes are pretty good. Honestly, it might be my favorite vegetable. …
How to Tell Your Straight Friends That You Don’t Wanna See That Shit
I want to preface this article by saying that I’m not heterophobic by any means. I watched Outer Banks. I voted for Biden. I can’t …
Guy in Discussion Really Needs to Back Off and Let the Rest of Us Make Shit Up for Participation Points
We’ve all been there. No worse feeling exists than waking up on Friday afternoon, hungover, with the recollection that your participation grade is worth the …
Friend Keeps Saying ‘Facts’ Though I Doubt His Statement Was Peer-Reviewed
Recently, my friend Aidan has punctuated every statement with “facts.” That’s fine, it’s a perfectly good ad-lib, but I have serious doubts his assertions have …
OPINION: It’s Never Too Early to Start Rigging Your Spotify Wrapped
It’s okay that one of your Top Three artists was the Glee Cast, but nobody needs to know that – the world simply isn’t ready for you …
Opinion: Everyone Get Off Eduroam, I’m Trying to Play Clash of Clans
Selfish students everywhere are hogging any shred of the already barely-functioning campus wifi that they can get their grubby mitts on, and it’s depriving me …