BERKELEY, Calif. – Two days after a tragic loss to Clemson, four-star QB and projected NFL draft top pick JKS announced his intent to transfer …
My Midterm Isn’t the Only Thing With A Curve: I Just Saw My Professor on Grindr
BERKELEY, Calif. — I opened Grindr on Tuesday afternoon expecting to see the usual assortment of DL trade within a 500-foot radius: 40-year-old men with …
Frat Brothers Switch To Hazing By Journaling And Meditating
BERKELEY, Calif. – “At first, I was like…nah Berk… this is too tough on us” slurred president Will Beckham of Kappa Alpha Order. “We only …
Stanford Debuts Innovative New DEI Strategy
STANFORD, Calif. — This past week, Stanford University in Palo Alto debuted their newest method of implementing DEI in campus photography– AI. Rather than …
Trader Joe’s Teases New Kosher Line: Trader Jew’s
TRADER JOE’S – On Shabbat, the staple grocery announced its plans to unveil a new line just in time for Yom Kippur: Trader Jew’s. The …
Linkedin Adds Relationship Status Button
This past Friday, professional social media platform LinkedIn released an exciting new addition to their site. Alongside the “about me” section on individual user profiles, …
Professor Threatens To Kill Herself As Students Pack Up 10 Minutes Early
BERKELEY, Calif. – UC Berkeley Rhetoric Professor Sue E. Sidal reportedly threatened to kill herself last Thursday afternoon after noticing various students zipping their bags …
People’s Park Repurposed As Data Center
BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley Haas recently announced an approved plan to repurpose the People’s Park Project into a state-of-the-art data center. The land was …
Superb Books Erika Kirk For Tribute Concert
SPROUL HALL, Berkeley, Calif. – Less than a week after Superb hosts Between Friends, a new rumour has hit the streets of Telegraph — leaving …
Opinion: I’m Not a Job Hunter, I’m a Job Gatherer
BAY AREA, CALIFORNIA — Well, well, well, yet another summer has come and gone, and I’m still unemployed. Between the dipshits at [Insert AI …