WASHINGTON, D.C – A new nationwide poll by Gallup found that while most registered voters picked inflation, abortion access, and cost of living as key issues, a record low 0.0005% listed “stance on the War of 1812” as a priority when deciding between candidates.
“I feel like it’s just been long enough that the issue doesn’t really affect me on a daily basis,” said voter Barry Solomon. “Don’t get me wrong, I still consider the implications of what another war with the British will do to our new fledgling nation and our great American experiment but I do think there are more pressing issues at play,” he continued while adjusting his authentic 18th century tricorn hat.
Others are more concerned with this notable cultural shift, like one member of the William Henry Harrison Fan Club of Piedmont, California.
“I find it utterly disgusting and offensive that our nation is completely ignoring the gravity of the War of 1812. And as the co-treasurer of the William Henry Harrison Fan Club, I have the authority to say that,” exclaimed Don Smith, who is currently very proud of his new techno-revamp “This Land is Your Land” cell ringtone. “Old Tip did not fight nobly just to let the vast majority of Americans carelessly vote for any old rando, not even knowing if they would be brave enough to vote to support our commander in chief James Madison.”
One subject polled by Gallup felt the need to discuss his respect for both sides of the matter.
“I just don’t get the need for all this partisan bickering about whether or not the U.S. should invade the British province of Upper Canada,” said self-described ‘enlightened centrist,’ Gerald Wilson. “I think the Democratic-Republicans and the Federalists are equally valid and people who choose one party over the other are actually ignorant because everyone besides centrists are just biased and crazy. Fully unrelated, I voted for Michael Bloomberg in 2020.”
Experts say this new report is just a continuation of a greater trend.
“Our data has never been clearer than now: for the past 30 years, we have noticed a slow but steady decline in the proportion of voters who care about their representatives’ stance on the War of 1812,” explained Margaret Barber, a UC Berkeley professor of Useless American History Studies. “The only notable exception in this trend was the week of September 8th, 2022 when the Queen died and popular support rose for taking over that puny sorry ass piece of dogshit trash heap.”
The aforementioned Gallup poll also found record low numbers regarding the issues of “number of cattle owned” and “response to the advent of canals.”