WASHINGTON, D.C. — Decades of intense gerrymandering have taken their toll on Congressman Rutherford Bates Lee (R-VA), whose body now resembles the Republic of Chile.
“Throughout my career as a public servant, I have worked tirelessly to represent my district,” said Lee while lopping off a hunk of flesh from his side and placing it on top of his head to represent the outline of the primarily black neighborhood that his redistricting efforts have effectively disenfranchised. “Unlike some of my more out-of-touch colleagues, who refuse to listen to their constituents, I’ve always made sure to keep an ear close to the ground. Ow! Fuck! I think I just stepped on my ear.”
Despite Lee’s criticism of his colleagues, many seem to deeply respect him.
“Sure, Rutherford is a bit rough around the edges, and sometimes he cuts corners or blows things out of proportion, but the truth is that we wouldn’t have a legislative majority without him,” said Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy (R-CA). “He puts in a lot of work to make sure that Democrats are packed into the same districts and that the remaining districts are solidly Republican. Honestly, I’m just worried that he’s stretching himself too thin.”
Lee’s primary care physician has expressed similar concerns about Lee’s well-being.
“The Supreme Court keeps saying that he’s perfectly constitutional, but in my professional opinion his constitution is suffering greatly,” said Dr. Kimberly Morrison of Lakeview-Clarita Hospital. “When I was in med school, I never heard of someone his shape and organ arrangement lasting for longer than a week. Somehow, he has managed to be a congressional representative for over thirty-five years, during which time he has contorted himself into dozens of shapes I once thought were impossible for the human body. The years of wear and tear must be getting to him though, because a few months ago he expressed support for storming the Capitol after one of his colleagues lost their re-election race to a Democrat. This isn’t a good sign; he used to be so adamant about only stealing elections through entirely legal means.”
At press time, after failing to contort himself into the shape of an octopus, Lee was calling for an official end to democracy through the implementation of Independent State Legislature Theory.