Fellas, have you ever wondered how to make yourself stand out to a member of the preferred sex? Well, here’s a comprehensive list of the hottest things YOU can do!

  1. Be a good listener.
  2. Have confidence.
  3. Smile at me.
  4. Smile at me while owning a vintage camera.
  5. Quote Shakespeare to me (While practicing a Shakespeare scene. For a Shakespeare competition. He didn’t really quote it TO me, per se, more like, in my general direction. He was looking at me. The year was 2015. I was playing Friar Lawrence. He was also playing Friar Lawrence. We had the same monologue, but his was better because he was hot and I didn’t know how to take care of my eyebrows.) 
  6. Being an effective multitasker: he helped me smuggle wine out of a restaurant while being a creep to me and my friend! If you are a woman in your thirties living in Capitola, CA, and had a husband take a trip to San Francisco with his buddies in late March of 2018, you should have a chat with him. 
  7. Be a good conversationalist and have similar interests. If there was just a two-hour episode of Bachelor In Paradise, know that I will have thoughts on it. If it’s been nine months since the last episode of Bachelor In Paradise aired, know that I will have thoughts on that as well. 
  8. Be the Trader Joe’s employee at the Rockridge location who called me “dude.” Read the poem that’s written on the back of the bag of ghost pepper chips. Talk about the poem on the back of the bag of ghost pepper chips. Know that I will always love you. 
  9. I’m sorry, I’m still hung up on the guy who smiled at me while owning a vintage camera.
  10. The year is 2010. I’m at my middle school dance, wearing a long black sweater dress, leggings, and Uggs, sporting hair that I’ve straightened within an inch of its life and a No Makeup Look because I’m eleven and tween girls didn’t feel pressured to look like Victoria’s Secret Models. We’re in the auditorium, which was earnestly decorated with neon streamers and balloons. “Teach Me How To Dougie” by Cali Swag District is playing at full volume, and for a moment, I imagine this is what it’s like to be young, in Europe alone, dancing to the beat of your own drum (which I presume sounds like “Teach Me How To Dougie”). I spot you, mid-dougie. We make eye contact. I smile. You smile. For a moment, everything is right. “Teach Me How To Dougie” abruptly ends because two of the eighth graders were grinding. They put on a slow song. I consider asking you to dance, but I think it’s safer and cooler to brood in a corner. Three separate girls dance with you. I immediately request “Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum. 
  11. Be stylish. 

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