BERKELEY, Calif. — In an unfortunate turn of events, freshman Elliot Hogg was left taking only online classes from the University of Phoenix after having been assigned one of the last enrollment times available. 

“It’s sort of caused an identity crisis for me, bro,” Hogg confessed. “If I’m not taking any Haas classes now, can I call myself a pre-Haas student? And if not, does that mean I’m not better than everyone else anymore? I don’t know if I’m equipped to handle all this right now…”

Despite Hogg’s repeated protests, he now has to pay both Berkeley’s tuition and the University of Phoenix’s. 

“I reached out to the UC Berkeley administration asking why I have to pay my tuition for classes I’m not taking, in addition to the University of Phoenix’s costs,” Hogg wrote on the r/Berkeley subreddit. “They responded by saying I’m paying them for ‘moral support.’ What the fuck does that even mean? Are they talking about those self-help emails?”

In response to student outcry, Chancellor Carol Christ released a statement clarifying the rationale behind the university’s decision to outsource their education.

“We at UC Berkeley find it crucial to teach our students the importance of delegation; every successful leader learns to delegate authority when necessary. By delegating some students’ entire education to another university, we show that we aren’t afraid to think outside the box. We understand that some students would rather attend classes at the school they chose to attend, but to that we argue that they should shut the fuck up and stop whining. It builds character!”

Hogg isn’t the only student that suffered from a late enrollment time; this experience was consistent with a number of freshmen. Most, however, did find classes at Berkeley, albeit not the ones they were hoping for.

“When my enrollment time came up, every class on my list and almost every class in general were completely filled,” said freshman Jose Biden. “I tried for hours to find one that remotely matched my interests, but eventually gave up and chose the first open class on the course catalog. So next semester, I’ll be taking Foundations of the U.S. Air Force four times.”

Unfortunately for freshmen, this problem of classes filling up occurs every semester, and shows no signs of stopping. Students looking to avoid this problem in the future have been advised to consider bribery/extortion of UC officials. 

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