SAN DIEGO – UC Regents assembled at UCSD on Monday, prepared to deliver paradigm-shattering news to current UC faculty. Without hesitation, Regent Chair Rich Leib …
Berkeley Startup ‘Tinder For Friends’ Not Affiliated With Tinder, Also Not Affiliated With Friends
“Out of a sample size n, where n = 589 undergraduates, we have found exactly 0 correlations between using ‘Tinder for Friends’ and our variable f, defined as f = having friends. Actually this isn’t entirely true––we found a negative correlation. I mean are you so shocked? This is an app that has the marketing strategy of a millennial Instagram meme account, which is to say it capitalizes on that image of Elon smoking that ‘Apartheid Emerald Mine’ strain zaza. I mean who is the market for this? Elon Musk fans? I mean they could definitely use more friends I suppose…”
Hypocrite Alert: Berkeley Administration is All About “Student Wellness” Until I Need a Wire Transfer of $12,000 Immediately So I Don’t Get Both of My Legs Broken by Donnie “Thumbs” Carlo
Day after day, Berkeley students’ inboxes are flooded with emails referencing “Berkeley Student Well-Being.” Campus administrators seem to be incredibly invested in the students’ livelihoods, …
In Right-Wing Tirade, Oski Defends Right to Bear Arms
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a Turning Point USA-sponsored rant on Sproul Plaza, Berkeley mascot Oski condemned the left’s disdain for the second amendment, citing his …
Student Who Drinks Whole Milk Needs to Lower His Tone
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal sophomore Sigmund Lloyd was a bit too vocal in his PoliSci discussion this week, spouting dubious economic values while seemingly forgetting …
If You Didn’t Want to Go Medically Bankrupt, You Should Have Thought of That Before You Got Hit by That U-Haul
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a shocking display of thoughtless neglect, UC Berkeley freshman Hans Dummkopf failed to consider his lack of funds before selfishly getting …
BREAKING: I Am Free This Saturday If Anyone Wants to Hang Out
BERKELEY, Calif. – According to sources on the Free Peach, accomplished and popular writer Tom Wickline has his schedule open all day this Saturday. This …
Climate Summit Reaches Radical Conclusion, Allocating 7.2 Trillion Thoughts and Prayers
GLASGOW, Scotland — After a two-week climate summit, world leaders made the bold decision to allocate 7.2 trillion thoughts and prayers towards the climate crisis. …
Freshman With Late Enrollment Left With Only Classes from University of Phoenix
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an unfortunate turn of events, freshman Elliot Hogg was left taking only online classes from the University of Phoenix after having …
Haas Student Swears His Dream Job Is Making Numbers Go Up With Excel
BERKELEY, Calif. — In shocking testimony from Haas student Newt Roberts, he asserted that his dream job truly is sitting at a desk, making numbers …