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Posted on March 21, 2023 by: Aidan Praytor

OPINION: The Granola Bar in my Backpack has been to as Many Classes as I Have, it Should at Least Get a Minor in Something

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Month: February 2022

Posted on February 25, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Study Finds Saying “Road Work Ahead? I Sure Hope It Does!” Dramatically Increases Likelihood of Violent Death

BERKELEY, Calif. – A study from the Berkeley Institute of Traffic-Related Deaths has found a significant correlation between uttering the phrase “Road work ahead? I …

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Posted on February 24, 2022 by: Tyler Goldstein

Berkeley to Have Small College Feel After Court Caps Enrollment at 42,347 People

BERKELEY, Calif. — After a recent court ruling capped UC Berkeley enrollment to 42,347 students, some Cal students are rejoicing that the university will finally …

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Posted on February 23, 2022 by: The Free Peach

Male Feminist Watches Euphoria for Sydney Sweeney’s Personality

BERKELEY, Calif. — As Euphoria viewers debate whether or not Sydney Sweeney’s nudity in Euphoria is “necessary vulnerability that adds to the art” or “just …

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Posted on February 22, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

New Plan To Expand Student Housing Involves Invading Ukraine

BERKELEY, Calif. – The University of California recently announced its opposition to a Russian invasion of Ukraine, citing its own plans to invade Ukraine for …

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Posted on February 19, 2022December 15, 2022 by: amychakladar

Berkeley Mask Mandate Reinstated After Seeing Your Face

BERKELEY, Calif. — After extensive pushback from the local community relating to concerns of corneal damage after seeing your face, the UC Berkeley administration has …

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Posted on February 15, 2022 by: Tohar Zamir

Evans Demolished to Make Way for Mega Yali’s

BERKELEY, Calif.— The University of California announced this week forthcoming plans to raze the LEGO set with only puke colored pieces known as Evans Hall, …

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Posted on February 12, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Sproul Preacher Oddly Familiar With What Hell Looks Like

BERKELEY, Calif. – Sproul preacher Preach Preacher garnered significant attention last Wednesday when he delivered an uncannily-detailed sermon about Hell. “There’s fire everywhere! Everything smells …

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Posted on February 10, 2022February 10, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Local Indophile Excited to Finally Have 100% Authentic Indian Roommate

BERKELEY, Calif. – Local Indophile Alan Wattaberger was finally able to complete his apartment’s Indian-themed decor this Monday when he acquired a rare, internationally-sourced, fully-authentic …

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Posted on February 9, 2022 by: Tohar Zamir

Scavenger Hunt! Can You Find Where We Hid The Bodies?

Welcome back to campus, bears! In light of tours, orientations, and events that have returned alongside our vibrant student body, we’ve decided to host our …

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Posted on February 8, 2022 by: Tyler Goldstein

Astrology Added to Side of VLSB

BERKELEY, Calif. — The University of California has decided that, alongside chemistry, biology, and, unsurprisingly, biochemistry, the Valley Life Sciences Building (VLSB) should have a …

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Top Posts & Pages

  • Opinion: It’s Technically Only ‘Shackles and Champagne’ if They’re From the Champagne Region of France. Otherwise, You Have to Call Them Sparkling Wine and Zip Ties.
    Opinion: It’s Technically Only ‘Shackles and Champagne’ if They’re From the Champagne Region of France. Otherwise, You Have to Call Them Sparkling Wine and Zip Ties.
  • QUIZ: We'll Tell You What Color to Wear on St. Patrick's Day if You Tell Us How Much You Long For Human Touch
    QUIZ: We'll Tell You What Color to Wear on St. Patrick's Day if You Tell Us How Much You Long For Human Touch
  • OPINION: The Granola Bar in my Backpack has been to as Many Classes as I Have, it Should at Least Get a Minor in Something
    OPINION: The Granola Bar in my Backpack has been to as Many Classes as I Have, it Should at Least Get a Minor in Something
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    Serial Liar Ex-President Claims He Will Face Consequences for His Crimes
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    Frank Ocean Emerges From Hiatus to Clarify That He Was Referring to Berkeley City College in Infamous "Novacane" Lyric
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    Futuo! Students Forced to Build Rome in One Day for Ancient Architecture Midterm
  • Pick a Date for Date Party and We’ll Tell You Which of Your Friends He’s Fucked!
    Pick a Date for Date Party and We’ll Tell You Which of Your Friends He’s Fucked!
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    Dethroned?! Lexapro and Lactaid Beat Weed for Most Used Drug at Cal, New Survey Reports
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    Male Berkeley Student Expresses His Love for Women by Dominating His Class Feminism Discussion
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    Fuck It! We Ranked All The Sororities at Cal Alphabetically!

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