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Posted on May 14, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Crowd Cheers as Acoustic Guitar Players Fight for Dominance of the Glade

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Month: February 2022

Posted on February 25, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Study Finds Saying “Road Work Ahead? I Sure Hope It Does!” Dramatically Increases Likelihood of Violent Death

BERKELEY, Calif. – A study from the Berkeley Institute of Traffic-Related Deaths has found a significant correlation between uttering the phrase “Road work ahead? I …

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Posted on February 24, 2022 by: Tyler Goldstein

Berkeley to Have Small College Feel After Court Caps Enrollment at 42,347 People

BERKELEY, Calif. — After a recent court ruling capped UC Berkeley enrollment to 42,347 students, some Cal students are rejoicing that the university will finally …

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Posted on February 23, 2022 by: The Free Peach

Male Feminist Watches Euphoria for Sydney Sweeney’s Personality

BERKELEY, Calif. — As Euphoria viewers debate whether or not Sydney Sweeney’s nudity in Euphoria is “necessary vulnerability that adds to the art” or “just …

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Posted on February 22, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

New Plan To Expand Student Housing Involves Invading Ukraine

BERKELEY, Calif. – The University of California recently announced its opposition to a Russian invasion of Ukraine, citing its own plans to invade Ukraine for …

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Posted on February 19, 2022February 19, 2022 by: amychakladar

Berkeley Mask Mandate Reinstated After Seeing Your Face

BERKELEY, Calif. — After extensive pushback from the local community relating to concerns of corneal damage after seeing your face, the UC Berkeley administration has …

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Posted on February 15, 2022 by: toharzamir

Evans Demolished to Make Way for Mega Yali’s

BERKELEY, Calif.— The University of California announced this week forthcoming plans to raze the LEGO set with only puke colored pieces known as Evans Hall, …

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Posted on February 12, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Sproul Preacher Oddly Familiar With What Hell Looks Like

BERKELEY, Calif. – Sproul preacher Preach Preacher garnered significant attention last Wednesday when he delivered an uncannily-detailed sermon about Hell. “There’s fire everywhere! Everything smells …

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Posted on February 10, 2022February 10, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Local Indophile Excited to Finally Have 100% Authentic Indian Roommate

BERKELEY, Calif. – Local Indophile Alan Wattaberger was finally able to complete his apartment’s Indian-themed decor this Monday when he acquired a rare, internationally-sourced, fully-authentic …

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Posted on February 9, 2022 by: toharzamir

Scavenger Hunt! Can You Find Where We Hid The Bodies?

Welcome back to campus, bears! In light of tours, orientations, and events that have returned alongside our vibrant student body, we’ve decided to host our …

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Posted on February 8, 2022 by: Tyler Goldstein

Astrology Added to Side of VLSB

BERKELEY, Calif. — The University of California has decided that, alongside chemistry, biology, and, unsurprisingly, biochemistry, the Valley Life Sciences Building (VLSB) should have a …

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