BERKELEY, Calif. – Local Indophile Alan Wattaberger was finally able to complete his apartment’s Indian-themed decor this Monday when he acquired a rare, internationally-sourced, fully-authentic Indian roommate.
“I’m such a huge fan of Indian culture – samosas, Diwali, butter chicken, everything – and I simply had to have a roommate who respects it as much as I do,” said Wattaberger while slapping a freshly-stretched naan against the inside of his DIY tandoor oven. “My first so-called ‘Indian’ roommate wasn’t really Indian – he was from Detroit, which I should have figured out from his accent – and my second ‘Indian’ roommate was from Sri Lanka, which is, like, 800 miles away from India. Thankfully, this time, I’m confident my Indian roommate is 100% authentic! I had his passport evaluated by my Indian friends and they all assured me that he’s the real deal.”
Wattaberger’s roommate seems to be adjusting well to his new surroundings.
“Yeah, so this chump said he’d pay my half of the rent if I just lived with him for a semester, and I said ‘fuck it’ because it’s not like I had anywhere else to stay,” explained Wattaberger’s roommate, Sriram Sundaram. “However, I’m starting to wonder if I made a mistake. [Wattaberger] seems to be very interested in me. Like…weirdly interested in me. He keeps taking random ‘candid shots’ of me eating, doing homework, working out, sleeping. At night, he shows me Bengali dubs of English movies. I think he thinks I understand them? My family is from Chennai; we speak Tamil, not Bengali.”
At press time, Wattaberger was staring at Sundaram while showing him a Bengali dub of Jordan Peele’s Get Out.