OPINION: Bancroft Runs From North to South

Recently I was walking down Sproul recently with a friend and they mentioned that they live on the Southside of campus. I naturally got super excited — I didn’t know anyone who lived near Shattuck!

Then they had the audacity to tell me that what I thought was Southside was actually West. Um, what? I don’t understand how some people got into this school. I also don’t understand how they physically get here. Everyone learns in elementary school that North on the map points up, meaning the highest point of elevation. I mean I walk on Bancroft and can just tell that walking towards I-House is north, and towards the RSF is south. Bancroft is vertical. It goes north to south. It’s just an innate part of my sense of direction.

Man Easily Navigates Dwinelle, Still Unable to Locate Woman’s Clitoris

BERKELEY, Calif. – As Berkeley students once again struggle with the endless labyrinth that is Dwinelle Hall, one man has emerged champion, remarkably finding his classroom within mere minutes; the location of his girlfriend’s clitoris, however, still remains a mystery.

“It was no big deal,” shrugged a bashful Justin Lawry to a roaring sea of fans. “I sorta stepped through those doors and, I don’t know, I just had a gut feeling. Something deep within my primal instincts almost seemed to sing to me; next thing I know I’m taking a right, another right, a left, another right, another left, walking up two flights of stairs, crawling through the tunnel that connects the north and south wings, taking a left, climbing up a ladder, taking the slide down the other end, and taking another right. Boom. I was there.

JPMorgan Exec Replaced by Pre-Haas Freshman in Berkeley Consulting

JPMorgan Vice President of Business Operation and Strategy Chuck Price announced plans to step down this past weekend, following the recent trend of older JPMorgan execs resigning to make way for newer, out-of-the-box thinkers. 

“I know this might come as a shock,” reported Price, “but I have an excellent replacement lined up: Cal pre-Haas freshman Doug Doolittle. Despite stiff requirements and stiffer competition, Mr. Doolittle has managed to land a coveted spot in one of UC Berkeley’s most prestigious consulting clubs, Berkeley Consulting. I know the critics will spear me for giving my job to a freshman while I retire to the Cayman Islands, but moving from Berkeley Consulting to JPMorgan was simply the next logical step for this young man.”