BERKELEY, Calif. – Local Indophile Alan Wattaberger was finally able to complete his apartment’s Indian-themed decor this Monday when he acquired a rare, internationally-sourced, fully-authentic …
If You Didn’t Want to Go Medically Bankrupt, You Should Have Thought of That Before You Got Hit by That U-Haul
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a shocking display of thoughtless neglect, UC Berkeley freshman Hans Dummkopf failed to consider his lack of funds before selfishly getting …
Professor Requires Students to Buy Tiny, Homunculus Clones of Him from Copy Central
“Textbooks are bulky, expensive, and information-bloated, so I’ve sent off only the key information to get duplicated at Copy Central,” Professor Sirico wrote on page 12 of his 53-page course syllabus. “For about $20, you can pick up a copy of me who knows all the course content. He will not, however, know basic stuff like toilet training or which fork goes where at fancy dinner parties, so teaching that to him is on you. In fact, his ability to use the toilet is going to be worth a quarter of your final grade. Good luck!”
Class No Longer Optional
BERKELEY, Calif. — To the dismay of Cal students, University Chancellor Carol Christ has officially ended the two-week extension of Winter Break and announced that …
Frat Bro’s Wrist Sore After Thunderous Slap From Campus Administration
BERKELEY, Calif. – Sigma Alpha Epsilon recruiter Trey Treyson reported a sore wrist after a slightly-harder-than-usual slap from university administration Friday morning. “Bruh! This is …
Waitlist to Deepthroat Oski’s Cock Grows Longer, as Does Oski’s Cock
BERKELEY, Calif. — Recent reports from CalCentral confirm that, as of last Friday, the waitlist for UGBA 69 (“Deep-Throating Oski’s Massive Cock”) has grown to …
Freshman With Late Enrollment Left With Only Classes from University of Phoenix
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an unfortunate turn of events, freshman Elliot Hogg was left taking only online classes from the University of Phoenix after having …
Top 2 Campus Fountains I Have Vomited In
Few things unify the Berkeley student body. Sure, rushedly ignoring Sproul donut salespeople, feeling despair at missing the 51B, and regretting trying that new Trader …
OPINION: Bancroft Runs From North to South
Recently I was walking down Sproul recently with a friend and they mentioned that they live on the Southside of campus. I naturally got super excited — I didn’t know anyone who lived near Shattuck!
Then they had the audacity to tell me that what I thought was Southside was actually West. Um, what? I don’t understand how some people got into this school. I also don’t understand how they physically get here. Everyone learns in elementary school that North on the map points up, meaning the highest point of elevation. I mean I walk on Bancroft and can just tell that walking towards I-House is north, and towards the RSF is south. Bancroft is vertical. It goes north to south. It’s just an innate part of my sense of direction.
Heartbreaking: That YoPo Flavor Is Sugar-Free
BERKELEY, Calif. – Yogurt Park patrons breathed a collective deep sigh on Tuesday upon realizing the best flavor was, in fact, sugar-free. “This happens basically …