BERKELEY, Calif. — To the dismay of Cal students, University Chancellor Carol Christ has  officially ended the two-week extension of Winter Break and announced that classes are no longer optional.

“My finest narcs on the Regents’ and Chancellor’s Scholars Association have deduced that class attendance was at an all-time low. This, of course, is deeply worrying: if only a few people go to class, GSIs wages actually seem proportional to the number of students they have to tutor and grade. That’s unacceptable. Graduate students are supposed to be underpaid, not fairly compensated! If they have a reasonable amount of work, then we aren’t exploiting them,” Christ tweeted on @UCBerkeleyOfficial

Unhappy students voiced frustration with the administration over concerns about being able to zoom in from their vacation home in the Bahamas.

“It’s just not fair!” says UC Berkeley Snowboarding Club member Gemma Spith. “This year first started with me getting snowed in my private vacation home in Lake Tahoe, so I had to ski without a personal chair lift, but now that the conditions are good I have to go back to Cal? The administration continues to victimize and ignore those of us who have prior commitments.”

Other students have concerns about public health.

“Have they even thought about the public health and safety of having to walk to North Gate? My Vespa is BROKEN and I can’t do cardio because I’ll lose the muscle gains I got from steroids at the-house-formerly-known-as-SAE,” complained Sig Nu Sophomore Thucydides Nought. “The public health hazard of having to walk by Evans and potentially get a fungal infection is not something Carol cares about as she sits in her remote office. It’s about standing up for the least fortunate and I will always advocate for the re- [redacted for profanity] of the world.”

A petition was started to keep classes optional, but the administration has taken a strong stance and refused to change its position. If you are interested in taking action, please Venmo us $49.99 at  @theFreePeach and for each donation, one of our staff members will strike and stand against fascism by not going to class.

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