BERKELEY, Calif. — To the dismay of Cal students, University Chancellor Carol Christ has officially ended the two-week extension of Winter Break and announced that …
COVID Super Spreader Infects Every Child On The Planet In One Night
YOUR CITY, Your State – According to reports from minors across the globe, holiday cheer wasn’t the only thing being spread this Christmas Eve. Sources …
Garbers Comes Out Against Testing, Including His English Final
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a difficult-to-parse Twitter rant posted earlier today, Berkeley quarterback Chase Garbers came out against both COVID testing and, for some reason, …
Cough Held Throughout 2½ Hour Lecture Now Just Mildly-Irritating Heart Palpitation
“I used to cough whenever I needed to, but I felt the white-hot wrath of hundreds around me,” Alison reported via Zoom, since no reporter wanted to get within a 500 foot radius of her. “I get a COVID test regularly. I can’t say for sure that I haven’t been exposed since testing negative yesterday though… Well, I know I don’t have it. I don’t, right? I— I just needed to cough super badly and I was able to suppress it for two and a half hours, so that means I can’t have it! I don’t! I just needed to cough, and now I have a serious heart issue. People should be happy that I saved them from possibly being exposed to whatever I have, though I know it’s not COVID.”
After COVID Vaccine, Cal Wide Receiver Can’t Catch Anything
After Cal’s devastating loss to the Nevada Wolf Pack, it has become apparent that the COVID-19 vaccine has prevented wide receiver Wayne Johnson from catching anything.
“I knew that getting vaccinated would prevent me from catching COVID, but I didn’t know the effects of the vaccine would be so weird,” reported Wayne as he dropped a frisbee. “After I got vaccinated my work schedule started having back to back shifts. I can’t catch a break. I’ve also been blanking on what people say after ‘Go’ at Berkeley. I think it starts with a B but my catchphrase knowledge is out the window.”
UC Berkeley Announces Phase Allocation of COVID-19 Vaccine to be Determined by SAT Score
BERKELEY, Calif. – Amid self-sequester mandates in UC Berkeley residence halls and an increase in UCPD presence to limit the spread of COVID-19, the university …
UCSF Begins COVID Drug Trial With Those Pills That Turn Into Dinosaurs in Water
SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. – As COVID continues to confound doctors and ravage the nation, experts at the University of California, San Francisco have begun to …
OPINION: Why My COVID Antibodies Make My Cum Taste Better
There are already SO many reasons why girls should give me head. To name a few: 1) because it feels good for me, 2) because …