YOUR CITY, Your State – According to reports from minors across the globe, holiday cheer wasn’t the only thing being spread this Christmas Eve. Sources …
Girl With December Birthday Feels a Little Upstaged by Jesus
BERKELEY, Calif. – UC Berkeley sophomore Alice Cunningham was disappointed to learn that Christmas was within three days of her upcoming birthday. “Sometimes, I really …
Student Cums While Writing a Negative Course Evaluation
BERKELEY, Calif. — First-year Cal student Tanya Pierre recently exerted her revenge on her calculus professor of four months. “Professor Face makes students feel dumb …
Supreme Court Possibly Rules Pro-Anti-Abortion, or Something Like That
WASHINGTON — In a landmark case undecided earlier today, the Supreme Court did nothing. Their indecision to be indifferent towards abortion clinics while ignoring the …
Dog on Glade Unaware He’s Only Source of Meaning in My Life
BERKELEY, Calif. — Amid finals, local terrier Toaster Sanchez has become the only source of meaning in life for many students. “I hate my major, …
I Lived It: I Got Lost Exiting Main Stacks and Somehow Surfaced at Shen Yun 2018
I remember it like it was yesterday. I had done a couple of hours’ worth of work in Main Stacks (like a champ) and was …
Waldo, of “Where’s” Fame, Not Found Anywhere, Presumed Dead
BERKELEY, Calif. – A fourteen-year-long search for the missing Where’s Waldo? star ended Friday morning when investigators declared Waldo ‘dead in absentia.’ “It is with …
BP Celebrates Hanukkah With Festive Oil Spill
LONDON – This week, Jewish people around the globe finally ignited the candle-filled Hanukkiahs they keep year-long beneath the sink (behind the Clorox and the …
5 Signs You’re a Virgo
Being a Berkeley student involves many rites of passage— skipping GBO after the third day, your republican uncle murmuring something about you wasting your education …
Top Ten Boba Teas to Drink While You Gentrify the Neighborhood
Ah, Berkeley. A city rich in culture, diversity, and history. With all of its historic landmarks and Instagram-worthy scenery, it’s no wonder housing prices are …