LONDON – This week, Jewish people around the globe finally ignited the candle-filled Hanukkiahs they keep year-long beneath the sink (behind the Clorox and the dryer sheets). However, a surprising twist on the holiday season came from British Petroleum, who released a statement in solidarity with the Jewish Community.
“We at BP want to reaffirm our commitment to a diverse range of voices present in the discussion about fossil fuel energy,” a representative stated in an official YouTube video. “To do so, we care to join those celebrating Hanukkah! BP is now fully committed to spilling at least one tanker of oil per holiday, paying tribute to the Hanukkah tradition of eating fried food!
“In fact, in the spirit of miracles, we’re optimizing our oil-slick technologies to ensure that the amount of oil that should’ve drowned one seagull will now coat eight! And talk about killing eight birds with one spill–dry deep-frying the gulls once they’re coated in our patented BP 11-herbs-and-carcinogens petroleum rub, they’ll come out tastier than your bubbe’s schnitzel!
In an adjoining written release, British Petroleum seemed adamant about reflecting all religious values.
“Of course, we want to include everyone we can in the BP family! After say our Hanukkah prayers and light this oil slick on fire, we’ll transition to our advent calendar event: 12 Days of Slickmas! For every day leading up to the Christmas season, we’ll be celebrating with a different spill-themed event. On the first day of Slickmas, my BP gave to me: cancer from fish in a polluted sea! See what we did there with the rhyme? That cost $2.5 million dollars in the advertising and marketing department to develop.”
Following suit, Exxonmobil hastily committed to ensuring that “we will learn how to be more inclusive in our fight against the environment.”
Photograph by Len Radin.