BERKELEY, Calif.– Much to the surprise of students enrolled in GLBL 187, “Bullshit Exams and their Cultural Heritage,” Friday the 12th presented an unexpected subversion …
Phish Concert Sells Out Almost As Much As the 32 Year Old Data Scientist From Walnut Creek Who Went
BERKELEY, CA. — Following three days of bedlam, UC Berkeley’s campus has been left strewn with debris from the lengthy, bacchanalian exodus of Phish fans. …
Don Lemon and Tucker Carlson announced as new hosts of SNL ‘Weekend Update’
“It was the right decision by far,” began longtime SNL producer Lorne Michaels. “And I mean by far, like a far-right decision.”
BREAKING: Your Professor Knows Why You Didn’t Come to Class Today
“He said, verbatim, ‘and to anyone who missed lecture today, don’t forget that the windows to this classroom face the Glade. I can see you from up here – we can all see you from up here. It’s like getting opera seats at a Grateful Dead concert.’”
Crime Does Not Pay; I Only Make 100k a Year as a UCPD Officer
Take it from me kids, crime does not pay. No matter how many cars I ticket or unhoused people I harass, I’m stuck in this …
Some Much Needed Reform: Oski No Longer Has Veto Power Over the ASUC Senate
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following a contentious vote, the totalled tallies on Friday evening signified a shocking victory for reform-advocates on campus; in an overwhelming 65% …
LinkedIn Premium Introduces Feature to Subtract Connections
“We’ve been, essentially, blind to an entire market,” explained CEO Ryan Roslansky. “The mistake has been our own – why the fixation on a world of infinite connectivity? Instead, we can take the panopticon of infinite connectivity and upcharge a means of escape. That is to say, we’re offering our antisocial clientele an ability to ‘pay-not-to-play,’ and to unilaterally sever connections.”
OPINION: There is a Man in Your Room
There is no denying the facts: there is a man in your room. He’s standing over there, right where you usually leave your pile of laundry on your desk chair. Maybe you’re rubbing your eyes wondering if he’s real. He is. Very. He’s about 6’1, slender, and yeah, he’s wearing a tophat. He’s fucking stylish.
We’ve been hard at work formulating the perfect drug. Benadryl™ has been packaged in syrups, creams, chewable tablets, and a wide variety of over-the-counter deliriants. Now, in response to popular demand, we’ve begun adding extra diphenhydramine to each dosage of Benadryl™, the perfect amount to recognize that There Is A Man In Your Room. He Is Next To The Door. Don’t Look At Him.
Trump Charged With 34 Felonies. To Find Out More Search ‘Trump Rule 34’
The remainder of the reporting is unavailable at this moment. To find out more, please search “Donald Trump Rule 34.”
Another Weirdo Peddling Their Agenda on Sproul: the Girl Scouts are Back!
BERKELEY, Calif. – Doomsday preachers, consulting-club donut-salesmen, and moralist demagogues all tremble upon the appearance of the ultimate uniformed, jack-booted thugs. Brace yourselves: the Girl Scouts are back.