OPINION: There is a Man in Your Room 

There is no denying the facts: there is a man in your room. He’s standing over there, right where you usually leave your pile of laundry on your desk chair. Maybe you’re rubbing your eyes wondering if he’s real. He is. Very. He’s about 6’1, slender, and yeah, he’s wearing a tophat. He’s fucking stylish.

We’ve been hard at work formulating the perfect drug. Benadryl™ has been packaged in syrups, creams, chewable tablets, and a wide variety of over-the-counter deliriants. Now, in response to popular demand, we’ve begun adding extra diphenhydramine to each dosage of Benadryl™, the perfect amount to recognize that There Is A Man In Your Room. He Is Next To The Door. Don’t Look At Him. 

Classmate Using Copious Amount of Buzzwords Actually Swarm of Bees in Suit

Rising to the press podium, emeritus Professor Gordon Frankie divulged the chief attribute revealing Waxman to be a swarm of bees: their fondness for buzzwords. 
“Waxman’s fatal flaw is that their classmate caught on to their penchant for buzzwords. Sure, every Berkeley student falls back on ‘discourse’ and ‘dichotomy’ once in a while, but Waxman’s use was egregious; who says ‘Honey, I’m combing through your beeliefs, and (h)I’ve got to tell you, there’s not one argument for being pro-polis.’”

Pope Francis Announces Beer is Now Jesus’ Blood and So Is Pink Whitney

“Miei cari amici, the Cardinals and I have deliberated, and have decided on a modernizing reform for communion. Whereas historically, we have considered only vinum to be sanguis Christi, we were forced to re-read the text for our R1A requirement, and we realize that really, ‘wine’ just referred to any alcoholic ferment – so we’re extending communion to include beer, and even Pink Whitney too.

BREAKING: The Clitoris Found on Wuhu Island After Years of Hiding

WUHU ISLAND, Pacific Ocean – In a press conference today, Interpol announced that they had located The Clitoris, identified in hiding on Wuhu Island. 

“It took a several-years-long effort by many of our top investigators,” relayed Interpol Chief, Dev Inatili-Aman, “but we found it. It was hiding in a cave in [Inatili-Aman is interrupted by snickers from the reporters]. What? What’s so funny?”