BERKELEY, Calif. – Gripped by stressful late-night study sessions, many Berkeley scholars have faced difficulty nodding off. Despite spending 30 minutes on the Wikipedia page for Worms with Good Intent, sleep-deprived student Will Besneuzin reviled receiving a bedtime story.
“By no means am I the little boy whose mom reads him Goodnight Moon,” professed Besneuzin, his bloodshot eyes lifting from the page List of Third Party Evidence for Apollo Moon Landing. “If I wanted to go right to sleep, I would simply will my body into slumber. Regardless, a bedtime story is totally deranged – is my imagination not strong enough? As a Political Economy major, I can imagine almost fifteen ways to fuck over African economies at any given moment. Instead, I use my time productively; last night I made it through the entirety of Ancient Roman Cuisine. Who knew that my favorite empire had so many soups?”
However, when prodded at a later date, Besneuzin admitted a degree of folly.
“I realize my foolish overconfidence in reading Wikipedia every night,” he shared with a reluctant warble in his voice. “Oh, did you think I was going to finally admit that they are bedtime stories, just because I read them at bedtime? Not quite; turns out blue light before bed totally messes with your REM schedule (and I already read every article about Michael Stipe anyway). Instead, I’ve started listening to podcasts to go to sleep. Bedtime stories pale in comparison to drifting with the dulcet tones of Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend.”
At press time, Besneuzin’s girlfriend attested that he would request 15 minutes of “solo pod time” before she came to bed.