BERKELEY, Calif. – Students in a Haas financial accounting class were assigned what seemed to be a typical problem set for homework. However, in a groundbreaking and progressive turn of events, students were amazed to find out that the CEO of the fictional weapons manufacturing company “War Crimes Inc.” in the word problem was a white woman named Sandra Collins.
“This is such a necessary and important step forward for female war criminal billionaires,” explained sophomore Jennifer Muhrtur. “Despite all the massive benefits to society that businesses have given to the world, like boosting inequality in order to incentivize people to grind and be successful, there’s been a lack of progress in the morally questionable space. Mainly, women have not been given nearly the same opportunities to ruin the livelihoods of the majority of the world by being self-centered and heartless. Even small representation like this helps a future generation of young women like me feel like they can also increase profit margins by 2.65% by being directly responsible for suffering worldwide.”
However, not all students were enthusiastic about the problem set.
“So-called representation like this is woke liberal nonsense,” exclaimed junior and young libertarian member Byron Smith-Friedman. “Our professor should be put under the jail for assigning such atrocious anti-male propaganda for homework and only allowing women to be abhorrent people. Despite what the radical communist liberals may say, our society’s biggest problem is that our war crime-causing organizations are being run by women instead of men just because they’re women. What message does that send to young men who want to profit off the deaths of millions without fear of being replaced by a woman?”
Blackwater Private Militia CEO Mary Degth shared her thoughts on representation in industry:
“Trust me, I can’t even count how many times I’ve been the only woman in a room full of men debating over which far-right paramilitary groups to sell AR-15s to in order to destabilize a democratically elected socialist government in a developing nation. And that’s a problem. All genders need to be represented in the war crimes industry. People don’t realize the negative impact of only seeing the war crimes men want to commit. Let me be clear: women and nonbinary people can commit war crimes just as well as any man.”
For the classes’ next problem set, students were again delighted to find that the CFO of Blood Diamond Child Labor Inc. was a girlboss named Arjuna Chatterjee.