BERKELEY, Calif. — Wednesday, after Hell froze over, campus administration announced that they have finally selected a successor to take over Carol Christ’s iron throne and title as UC Berkeley’s chancellor: this white man.
“It’s always a shame to say goodbye to one of your fellow bears,” commented UC Berkeley administrative representative Morgan Fitchbacher. “Change is always hard, but I feel confident leaving Christ’s legacy of genocide denial, rent gouging, and general student neglect in the hands of this white man.”
While Christ will always be loved and remembered as the “West Coast’s Hillary Clinton,” some Berkeley students are ready for a transition from pantsuits to regular suit pants.
“Christ was a fair leader and all,” began UC Berkeley student Dustin Rochdale. “But she lacked one important quality that seriously separates the wheat from the chaff: a penis.”
The decision to hire this white man comes after months of training for the Chancellor Selection Limbo Contest, in which UC President Michael Drake worked deliberately to prove to the world that yes, the bar really can get lower.
“Mr. Drake and his committee of UC Regent henchmen thought long and hard about which candidate they would select, out of a woman swearing she’s 1.7% Native American, a law school dean insisting that law firms should not hire pro-Palestinian activists, and the 1980 ΣΑΕ House Manager,” continued Fitchbacher. “I don’t know about you, but I believe they made the right decision.”
While some individuals worry that their campus has just been put in the hands of a corporate puppet, there is one thing that UC Berkeley students and faculty alike can all agree on: they can sleep safely at night knowing that their campus is in the hands of a ΣΑΕ Brother.