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Tag: Chancellor Carol Christ

Posted on January 27, 2021May 5, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

UC President Michael Drake Intends for Fully In-Person Kicking Your Ass

“I was a professor of ophthalmology for decades, so I can guarantee: all you’re gonna see is hands.”

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Posted on January 26, 2021May 6, 2021 by: Tyler Goldstein

Chancellor Christ Declares She is The Academic Senate

BERKELEY, Calif. — In a shocking power move, Chancellor Christ has proclaimed that she is the Academic Senate.  “Frankly, the senate is in shambles at …

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Posted on December 15, 2020September 11, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

Uh Oh! Carol Christ Under Mistletoe AND Investigation for Shoplifting!

BERKELEY, Calif. – Just when students forgot about Chancellor Dirks, the UC Berkeley administration found itself mired in new controversy.  “These allegations are absurd,” responded …

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Posted on December 3, 2020September 11, 2021 by: anniebushh

Frank Ocean Emerges From Hiatus to Clarify That He Was Referring to Berkeley City College in Infamous “Novacane” Lyric

Tired of years of misinterpretation, Frank Ocean has emerged from his musical hiatus to clarify that the lyric ‘brain like Berkeley’ on cult favorite “Novacane” …

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Posted on October 13, 2020September 11, 2021 by: Tyler Goldstein

DEAD BODY REPORTED: Cal Crewmate Suffering From Imposter Syndrome is Sabotaging Our Team

CAROL CHRIST (purple): Hello crew. Unfortunately, I am here to report that I found a dead crewmate in admin. I personally am able to do …

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Posted on September 25, 2020May 5, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

Urgent Advisory Message: Marc Fisher’s Night Light Is Out And He Needs Somebody to Change It

BERKELEY, Calif. — In his latest public safety update, Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher has informed the Berkeley campus community of another impending hazard. “Dear faculty, …

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Posted on November 8, 2019May 19, 2021 by: Cloe Wood

Carol Christ Announces Huge New Construction Project: “It’s an Ant Farm. We’re Finally Going to Do Something With All of These Ants.”

She turned to our staff writer with sudden anger, “It’s all these crumbs.”

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Posted on September 14, 2019May 13, 2021 by: Kelsey Ferrell

UC Berkeley Acquires Alta Bates as New Freshmen Dorm for Housing Alcohol Poisoned Teens

In anticipation of this Saturday’s game day, the University of California, Berkeley has purchased the Alta Bates Summit Medical Center as a new dorm for alcohol poisoned teens. 

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Posted on August 31, 2019May 12, 2021 by: Sam MacKinnon

BREAKING: 30-50 Feral Hogs are rushing Cal Sororities. Will They Be Able to Defend Themselves?

However, many have questioned whether the threat of the hogs exists at all, as GreekRank has reportedly “routinely misrepresented” houses in the past.

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Posted on April 17, 2019April 17, 2019 by: The Free Peach

In Another Massive Overreaction, the ASUC Judicial Council Decides To Publicly Execute Carol Christ Over A Parking Ticket

Yet, there is already a central takeaway. Democracy functions best when built upon the broad shoulders of bureaucratic technicalities.

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