“I was a professor of ophthalmology for decades, so I can guarantee: all you’re gonna see is hands.”
Chancellor Christ Declares She is The Academic Senate
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a shocking power move, Chancellor Christ has proclaimed that she is the Academic Senate. “Frankly, the senate is in shambles at …
Uh Oh! Carol Christ Under Mistletoe AND Investigation for Shoplifting!
BERKELEY, Calif. – Just when students forgot about Chancellor Dirks, the UC Berkeley administration found itself mired in new controversy. “These allegations are absurd,” responded …
Frank Ocean Emerges From Hiatus to Clarify That He Was Referring to Berkeley City College in Infamous “Novacane” Lyric
Tired of years of misinterpretation, Frank Ocean has emerged from his musical hiatus to clarify that the lyric ‘brain like Berkeley’ on cult favorite “Novacane” …
DEAD BODY REPORTED: Cal Crewmate Suffering From Imposter Syndrome is Sabotaging Our Team
CAROL CHRIST (purple): Hello crew. Unfortunately, I am here to report that I found a dead crewmate in admin. I personally am able to do …
Urgent Advisory Message: Marc Fisher’s Night Light Is Out And He Needs Somebody to Change It
BERKELEY, Calif. — In his latest public safety update, Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher has informed the Berkeley campus community of another impending hazard. “Dear faculty, …
Carol Christ Announces Huge New Construction Project: “It’s an Ant Farm. We’re Finally Going to Do Something With All of These Ants.”
She turned to our staff writer with sudden anger, “It’s all these crumbs.”
UC Berkeley Acquires Alta Bates as New Freshmen Dorm for Housing Alcohol Poisoned Teens
In anticipation of this Saturday’s game day, the University of California, Berkeley has purchased the Alta Bates Summit Medical Center as a new dorm for alcohol poisoned teens.
BREAKING: 30-50 Feral Hogs are rushing Cal Sororities. Will They Be Able to Defend Themselves?
However, many have questioned whether the threat of the hogs exists at all, as GreekRank has reportedly “routinely misrepresented” houses in the past.
In Another Massive Overreaction, the ASUC Judicial Council Decides To Publicly Execute Carol Christ Over A Parking Ticket
Yet, there is already a central takeaway. Democracy functions best when built upon the broad shoulders of bureaucratic technicalities.