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Month: December 2020

Posted on December 26, 2020May 5, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

Santa Claus, of “Christmas” Fame, Dead at 52

“Santa died doing what he loved: being dangerously near fire while trespassing at a stranger’s house,” a representative said in a press release.

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Posted on December 17, 2020September 22, 2021 by: jokimg

Frat Bros Adopt Strict Raw Diet So Girls Will Bark At Them Too

“And that’s when it clicked — it wasn’t my comments on their bodies that were fucking me over, it was my lack of proper nourishment.”

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Posted on December 15, 2020September 11, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

Uh Oh! Carol Christ Under Mistletoe AND Investigation for Shoplifting!

BERKELEY, Calif. – Just when students forgot about Chancellor Dirks, the UC Berkeley administration found itself mired in new controversy.  “These allegations are absurd,” responded …

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Posted on December 11, 2020May 5, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

Aspiring English Student Disappointed to Return Home to Loving, Supportive Family

SILVER LAKE, Calif. – Senior English major Jennifer Brooks experienced ennui due to a sudden lack of ennui upon returning to her ancestral home for …

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Posted on December 10, 2020October 7, 2021 by: Abby Fisher

SoundCloud Rapper Getting Desperate; Turns to Sproul Piano for Exposure

BERKELEY, Calif. – Worried about the lack of plays on his most recent tracks, local SoundCloud rapper Lil Big Penis has turned to the piano …

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Posted on December 8, 2020October 7, 2021 by: anniebushh

Entirety of US Surveillance State Gears Up for Upcoming CS 70 Final

BERKELEY, Calif. – With an eye turned toward looming final exams, Berkeley EECS administrators held a press conference Tuesday regarding their proctoring policy: “I’m sure …

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Posted on December 6, 2020May 13, 2021 by: Bernard Chan

Instead of Course Evaluations, Professors Now Reading Passive-Aggressive Posts on Overheard and Reddit For Feedback

BERKELEY, Calif. – “What kind of class assigns a massive project to be due on the same day as the midterm?” asked Reddit user u/gobears4715 …

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Posted on December 5, 2020September 22, 2021 by: jokimg

Yosef from the Bachelorette Teaches Haas Students How to Have Class

BERKELEY, Calif. – After voluntarily leaving Season 16 of The Bachelorette due to his high personal standards for classy women, D-list celebrity Yosef Aborady recently …

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Posted on December 4, 2020September 11, 2021 by: lyamashir01

Why I Ghosted My Therapist and Started Sexting With Oski Instead

I just… saw him one day on Sproul.  What was he doing there? I don’t know. It wasn’t game day. Or Cal Day. Absent the …

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Posted on December 3, 2020September 11, 2021 by: anniebushh

Frank Ocean Emerges From Hiatus to Clarify That He Was Referring to Berkeley City College in Infamous “Novacane” Lyric

Tired of years of misinterpretation, Frank Ocean has emerged from his musical hiatus to clarify that the lyric ‘brain like Berkeley’ on cult favorite “Novacane” …

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