BERKELEY, Calif. – With an eye turned toward looming final exams, Berkeley EECS administrators held a press conference Tuesday regarding their proctoring policy: “I’m sure many scholars across the globe agree with us when we say that every student in the Berkeley EECS program is lazy and will take the easy way out given the opportunity,” reported Chairman Jeff Bokor. “This is why we have decided to partner with the United States Department of Homeland Security in efforts to curb cheating in this year’s CS 70 final.” 

Past midterms and exams for the class have required the submission of desktop recordings along with videos taken on multiple devices, and have outright barred bathroom breaks. This month, though, Chad Wolf (acting secretary of the United States Department of Homeland Security) advised Berkeley administrators to take things a step further: “We must not neglect the danger that lies in turning the other cheek– this year, we’re taking an all hands on deck approach. We have put all of our terrorist investigations on hold and assigned an agent to personally wiretap and monitor each student in CS. We will be monitoring before, during, and after the exam to detect any trace of possible cheating, as well as mailing them a smart-seatbelt which automatically straps them into their chair and only releases when the test is over. ” When pressed about privacy issues that may accompany the government’s approach to the final, Wolf exclaimed: “Nothing is more important to the current United States Government than accusing Berkeley of things. Terrorism is a close second, I guess.” 

Students in the class appear relatively uncomfortable with the new policy, but have not said anything particularly negative about it. In a recent interview, sophomore Ellen Gatton, visibly sweating, claimed to be “really grateful to be in EECS!” Another classmate, who wishes to remain anonymous, commented that “The exam strategy is super intrusive, yes, but it’s all going to be worth it when I’m an entry-level software developer at Facebook.”  

The Berkeley Media Studies department, on the other hand, has cancelled exams in protest of the EECS crackdown. “We have a lot of empathy for those students,” one department chair claims. “Which is why our own students shouldn’t have to work as hard.” 

More updates to come as government information is slated to be released regarding the exam.

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