BERKELEY, Calif. – Worried about the lack of plays on his most recent tracks, local SoundCloud rapper Lil Big Penis has turned to the piano on Sproul in an effort to gain fame.
“I’ve been spending a lot of time in the studio,” stated Lil Big Penis, before quietly clarifying that “the studio” is his bedroom. “My mixtape, ‘Lil Me, Big World,’ is the outcome of a deeply challenging creative process that, while extremely inspiring, was also very time consuming, taking me practically three days to make. But then it only got 13 plays on SoundCloud, which is rigged because it deserves to be platinum. I knew I needed a new outlet to really promote my music.”
Unfortunately, the piano is frequently occupied, either by weird old white men or by Berkeley students wanting to show off their impressive rendition of “Heart and Soul.” Lil Big Penis persevered, however, reporting that he used a speaker to play his beats while standing by the piano and rapping.
The expanse of Sproul plaza was soon filled with his poetic lyrics, such as this sample from his piece, “Uncircumcised”: “Yo, yo, it’s Lil Big Penis, uh / You know I’m the meanest, uh / Just had sex with your mom / Are we sure that 5 inches is average because that seems like an overshoot haha ha ha.” Or his song, “My Girl”: “Juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy / Titties.” The mumbled lyrics were often hard to discern from the harsh, boxy beat that was composed purely through GarageBand, but Lil Big Penis seemed to be extremely proud of his “flow.”
While demonstrating his recording process, which is just the iPhone Voice Memos app, Lil Big Penis’s phone started ringing with an incoming call from the contact, “Madre.” He answered the phone but quickly began to protest that he was too busy to talk, being very preoccupied with editing some new beats for a huge upcoming project.
On the other line, his mom sighed deeply. “David. Give it a rest.”
Music is Lil Big Penis’s passion, but for now, he’s a Media Studies major.