BERKELEY, Calif. — Despite ever-increasing application numbers, UC Berkeley has pushed its 2021 admissions earlier than in prior years. 

“With so many hopeful prospective freshmen, the admissions team wanted to get things straight early on,” Associate Vice Chancellor of Enrollment Femi Ogundele stated in a press release. “First off, you need to know that I don’t like Fleetwood Mac. It might come as a surprise, but let’s be real: most of you guys only like one of their albums anyway.”

Despite the brazen unpopularity of his statement, Ogundele continued to express further confessions. 

“With that in mind,” he wrote, “The university has chosen to release a series of further admissions for potential students to consider before signing their statements of intent to register:

  • ‘Drivers License’ isn’t a good song and never was
  • TikTok has probably surpassed Vine in lasting cultural significance
  • The desks in Pimentel are, if anything, too big
  • The Crossroads eggs are certainly edible
  • We have solid evidence that changing your Facebook profile photo to a picture of an ASUC senator is a precursor to fascism, but we just haven’t chosen to release the evidence yet.
  • Frats are a healthy and necessary part of the college experience
  • Boba Ninja has the best boba and popcorn chicken in Berkeley 
  • The song covers they use in movie trailers are usually better than the originals
  • Data 8 is harder than CS61A and should be treated as such
  • The opaque blue Scooby Doo fruit snack is the worst one in the pack
  • Oski should be allowed within 500 feet of elementary schools again. He’s already served his time. 
  • Everybody wants to hear about your study abroad experience. Please, tell me more about it. 
  • Top Dog is honestly pretty good if you just shut up and mind your own business
  • It’s perfectly okay that Gypsy’s Trattoria Italiana is still called that and we will refuse to denounce it in any of our major campus anti-racism announcements

Thank you for reading and remember: we are still the number one public university in the world.”

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