“With so many hopeful prospective freshmen, the admissions team wanted to get things straight early on,” Associate Vice Chancellor of Enrollment Femi Ogundele stated in a press release. “First off, you need to know that I don’t like Fleetwood Mac. It might come as a surprise, but let’s be real: most of you guys only like one of their albums anyway.”
“Just me and the homies Chet, Juliette, Klett, and Cishett kickin’ it in the 305!” Bennett captioned a maskless Instagram photo of a crowded beachside bar.
“We had heard accounts of Carly Rae Jepsen music traveling up from deep underground, but brushed them off as hallucinations that everybody’s subconscious experiences at one point or another.”
*Below is a retelling of a zoom recording that was sent to us through our anonymous tip line* “Hey uh… Professor? Sorry to interrupt, but …
“We at Sigma Alpha Epsilon absolutely love women,” stated brother Luka Dobbs. “We even have a cup formation in beer pong in their honor: ‘tight pussy’– you’re welcome, ladies.”
We’ve all been there: A friend, or perhaps an eager Tinder match, invites you to spend time walking around the Berkeley Fire trails as if …
Berkeleytime has also expressed interest in CalCentral, but it has reported that it doesn’t plan on replying to their ad until at least ten minutes after three.
After a litany of complaints about the quality of such services (both in-person and online), Tang has made a bold, yet strangely fitting decision: in lieu of the three-time free thirty minute sessions offered to students, Tang has attached a link to a twenty-two minute America’s Funniest Home Videos Compilation.
Since the start of this pandemic (or should I say, pandemi–cock-block), our collective capacity for lusting, thrusting, and jammin’ the clam has… well, plummeted. We pitiful, possibly fertile sex-machines are horny as fuck. But rest assured.
BERKELEY, Calif — Berkeley’s annual Big Give fundraiser, it seems, has extended its generosity to include donation of STIs to everybody in my friend group …